BarcelonaAll happy families are alike and every unhappy family is alike in its own way… but in what way? Why are families unhappy? This is what we want to investigate with the psychologist Teresa Moratalla, professor at the School of Family Therapy at Hospital de Sant Pau and member of the board of the Official College of Psychology of Catalonia.
What is the main query of adults who come to therapy?
— The vast majority arrive with symptoms of emotional discomfort: “I feel bad”, “I feel very upset”, “I can’t sleep”. “Out of stock” is a pretty redundant word. Sometimes they don’t know the origin and others are more definite: partner problems or discomfort with the children, etc. Some cases can be very serious, they can be diagnosable disorders that require drugs and, in others, they need treatment. It’s not enough to say, “Rest,” “You can get over it.” If they don’t, it’s because they can’t, because the discomfort itself prevents them.
Does the discomfort usually come from emotional relationships or also from work?
— It can come from both places. In the workplace, where in theory we don’t put affection into it, we do put many other things into it: our self-esteem, having a good concept of ourselves. In certain jobs, one seeks not only financial gain, but also personal satisfaction, to feel that one is recognized. When this is not there, it can be hard, we can feel abused and our self-esteem can be lowered. There are very tough situations, apart from stress. Depending on whether you have other things in your life that support you, this can be more or less serious. But obviously the main discomfort derives from the primary relationships: parents, siblings, partner and children.
The family can be seen either as the great life refuge or as the source of great personal traumas. What does it depend on that it is one thing or the other?
— Most traumas are in the families of origin, yes. With the family we learn to see the world – what is right, what is wrong -, all our values, how we should relate to others, what it means to love and be loved. We learn a whole series of very basic things that build us as people, give us our identity. So, being in a family that has mistreated you, that you have felt does not love you, that does not value you, being in the middle of the parents’ legal battle… there are very hard situations that, moreover, apparently do not they exist because they are not taught.
A friend argues that Catalans are a superpower in family isolation. How can we face problems when the temperament is to pretend that nothing is happening?
— It is not easy to change, because the family is a system that works with rules that are not explicit, but that we all know and follow. We all know what can and cannot be transgressed, what we can talk about and what we can’t. We all have an assigned role and you play it within that core. There are families in which shouting is a disgrace and families that communicate by shouting; there are families where a hug is unthinkable and others where you have to go in and give them four kisses. What is better or worse? There are always middle terms. Families where you tell each other everything and there is no intimacy are a problem, and families where you can’t communicate your discomfort because it’s considered weakness or foolishness are also a problem. This requires therapeutic work.
The most common must be cheating…
— There is a sign that indicates that the family is very healthy, and it is when you have the ability to get out of the situation and make explicit what is happening, which in psychology we call metacommunicating. This, which seems simple, most families don’t do, instead they put up with it and it stays there. And it’s when adults come to you and tell you “in my house I’ve never been able to express anything”, “in my house you have to achieve many things in life to be valued well”…
A common generational confrontation is that adult children criticize their parents for projecting their aspirations and shortcomings onto them, who never managed to please them enough, while parents criticize them for being so soft on the young having had it all so easy How is this clash resolved?
— It is inevitable and unconscious that we make a certain projection on the children, but you must be clear that the child is a person different from you, not an extension of you, and lives in a world different from yours. The feeling of the father is that if he does not exercise that control, the other fails, and if he fails, he will not give him this recognition of a different person, who has other interests, characteristics and abilities. The key in these relationships is that you trust your child and that the positive things you’ve taught him will come through.
We must love children for who they are and not for what they do.
— The act of loving between parents and children should be free: I love you because you are you, period. Not because you studied, not because you get good grades, not because you are the ideal son, not because you are the daughter who helps at home. It’s just you, and I love you and you look great. But sometimes it is considered as an exchange: if you give me what I like, I show you love; if you don’t give it to me, I won’t show it to you. This is indeed traumatic.
Why do we need parental validation? Or recognition at work?
— There are two things that nourish us as people: love and recognition; that is to say, that they love us and value us.
What happens when a child feels that he is not the favorite?
— That he has a very bad time and grows up with the feeling that he is not enough, with low self-esteem, and relates to the world from this place. This conditions his life, either because he puts himself in a passive position of “I will not be appreciated enough” or in the active position of demanding to be recognized, and it is these people who are eating the world because they need to prove that they have to love
How can healthy sibling bonds be fostered?
— The vast majority of times the disputes between siblings have to do with the differentiation in the treatment that the parents do, that one is allowed more things than the other. Whatever it is, in one they see all the graces and in the other, none. Siblings are a very important nucleus in life because they are the only ones you grew up with at the same time and know exactly the same thing as you. Encouraging it often means not taking sides. When siblings don’t come to solutions, most of the time it’s because the parents are getting in the way.
How can you recover from a bad family relationship?
— If they are small things, talking. If not, with professional intervention, because usually everyone has their share of reason and it is impossible to find an intermediate point. In a dysfunctional family situation there are no good or bad, there is misunderstanding on both sides.
Do relationships have to be reciprocal?
— Relationships with children are a cascade: parents give and children receive. When we are adults we must know how to give and know how to receive, there must be reciprocity of care, recognition and being well together. When there is a conflict, on the other hand, you don’t want to be with that person, you feel the abuse and it’s like a sensor is activated that leads you to an aggressive response, because we’re not talking about thoughts but it’s basically governed by the emotions Changing it is a psychotherapeutic process.
At what age can we no longer blame our parents for how our lives have turned out?
— Since we are adults, the responsibility is ours, also for our discomfort. You can blame your parents, and maybe they do, but they won’t solve it for you, you have to.
At what age are we adults?
— What makes us adults is differentiating ourselves from our family: I am this one and I make my decisions; and if we are not capable of it, we must have it looked at. We must have our own identity, even though we may be financially and emotionally dependent on the family.
It must be very difficult to change the family model, when creating your own family.
– Yes. You are conditioned by your model: if you have been happy, you imitate him; if you’ve been really bad, you do the opposite. Many couples who kiss when they have children is because they have different parenting models. And now with intercultural couples we see it a lot, because cultures determine educational models.
Should everyone go to therapy?
— No, not at all. And I don’t think therapies should last a lifetime, far from it. People have resources to get out of things. Therapies are the right treatment to have tools and overcome certain situations. Then look for a professional in psychology, especially, because with the intrusiveness there, let’s see where you end up! Psychology has a scientific basis, and to practice it, you must be registered. People think that making a coffee here on the corner is doing therapy, and it has nothing to do with it.
Source: diumenge.ara.cat
