Very quickly it was clear that this was another, the same story about violence. The same beginning, development, continuation and, finally, the end. By the way, the woman lives in the city, is in her mid-thirties, and is educated. You might now be wondering how. Well, that’s it.
On the one hand, so much is said and written about violence today. Never again, I would say.
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On the other hand, the number of female victims is increasing. Sometimes I ask myself how it is. How, when everything is already known and everything is said and written? And information is available to many people very easily and with one click.
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How can you pull back, turn around and leave with the help of just one good text or television show?
I don’t believe in that one: “It can happen to anyone”. Only events and experiences beyond our control can happen to all of us: diseases and losses. Everything else is a matter of choice, predisposition, personal risk factors and “weakness”.
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Unfortunately, we can be “weak” and in a bad way. What we were taught and what we are used to. Although it hurts, it hurts and it doesn’t work.
Suffering violence cannot happen to everyone. Neither is its manifestation.
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Women with the experience of their partner’s violent behavior have, most often, endured the violence for some (longer) time. I have hardly heard of a woman who left her partner after he insulted, humiliated, blackmailed, conditioned, manipulated, slapped or hit her for the first time. Yes, it’s all violence.
At this moment, I can think of only two or three women known to the public, who reacted to their partner’s violence with the speed of light, by disclosing and reporting it. Such examples are certainly more than necessary and welcome.
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The bully is very, very often, disguised in The savior or Mr. Perfect. Of course, that masquerade ball lasts for a while. Very often – very briefly, because – masks are difficult to wear for a long time.
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So, at the very beginning, he may seem like the one you’ve been waiting for for a long time: he persistently woos and flatters, admires you, buys and gives you literally everything – from time and attention to seriously serious and expensive gifts.
What is problematic and alarming about all this? What is happening too early i excessively.
Falling for this and this kind of show, despite your own age and experience, is a sign of alarm and asking some important questions. Sometimes something really is “too good to be true”.
Unfortunately, many women stumble or fall. Especially those hungry for love and attention, tenderness and adoration, a man in the role of protector, savior or leader. So hungry and (or) thirsty, they desperately want someone to hold them like a little water in the palm of their hand, but instead, it happens that that someone holds them in their hand.
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After a good or even brilliant start, one thing happens, then another and a third (extremely) bad one and – there you are in the circle of violence. Not immediately bewitched, but one who certainly can and probably will become one. Both sides contribute to that. And that is important to be aware of. Both the abuser and the victim are responsible.
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Working with clients, I often encounter their amazement at other people. Those I choose to work with are wonderful and infinitely good people who, starting from themselves, simply cannot understand some things and behaviors, no matter how hard they try. They cannot understand why anyone would manipulate, manipulate, be dishonest or reckless, hurt in any way. They never would, much less consciously.
First, you will never understand others if you start from yourself.
Not even if you have gone through the same or similar in your life. In that case, you have only experience in common. Not the experience, always so personal.
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Second, don’t try to understand those who hurt you. If you try, you will start justifying them. Very likely. And justification is, always and as a rule, the way to endlessly giving second chances.
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I happen to hear and read that violence is difficult to recognize and that it is difficult to leave a bully. And that worries me a lot, every time. Because I imagine that this message comes to a woman with fragile self-confidence and self-esteem, a woman who is very insecure about her own impressions, choices and judgments, a woman who wonders for too long whether she is exaggerating and imagining and – I see her stuck and trapped in insecurity, helplessness and violence for an infinite time.
Because when a woman in such and such a position is told by someone from a position of authority and competence that violence is difficult to recognize and abandon, it may happen that that woman only deepens and prolongs her questioning and staying in a relationship of violence. So things actually stand like this:
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Violence is not difficult to recognize. It’s hard to pretend you don’t recognize him. Violence is everything that is violent. It’s not just a slap or a punch. It’s not just physical.
It is not difficult to get out of a violent relationship. It is difficult to remain in violence and suffer it.
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Bullies don’t change because they don’t want to change. Abusers just change their partners, changing the personality of each of them. Violence is not stronger than bullies. Bullies are stronger than all their (violent) behavior.
The fact that every story about violence is similar to all the others speaks in favor of the fact that the violence is conscious, planned and voluntary. The bully carefully and strategically weaves the web, thread by thread. With each new thread (read: with each subsequent circle of hell), he exhibits new and subsequent violent behavior. More and more violent.
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A bully is most violent when he is safest. In that the woman will not leave because… they have a (small) child or children, she is not employed or has no source of income, she has stopped communicating and seeing friends and family members, she has been with him too long. I would repeat: violence is conscious, planned and voluntary.
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The arrival of a child will not “soften” the abuser. A bully, after becoming a father, will become even more violent. Everyone says. I say so too. Again and unfortunately, women still choose to take risks and check if it could be different in their case by some chance. It can’t. And it won’t be. And don’t risk another, new and innocent life. No offense, but – you have no right.
A bully is a bully because he is a bully. Usually on the occasion of an unset table, an unheated lunch, a wrinkled shirt, an open window or a closed door. Always without reason.
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The abuser does not love you and did not love you. Never. A bully only and exclusively likes to be at your service and disposal. He sees in his partner a maid, a maid, a housewife, a cook, a secretary and a prisoner. A woman without rights to herself and freedom, opinion, voice, consciousness, attitude, needs, desires and ambitions.
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The abuser wants a relationship and/or marriage. Because it is more convenient and easier for him to be in a relationship and/or marriage than to be alone. Only and exclusively for that reason. Because he likes being at your service and available. Only and exclusively because. However, the abuser wants a relationship and/or marriage under certain conditions, according to his own rules. It may happen that he begs you for forgiveness and reconciliation, just because it is more convenient and easier for him to be in a relationship and/or marriage than alone. Just because.
Violent men are not violent because they are “stronger” or “just like that”. They are violent because they do not know constructive and non-violent.
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It is easiest for a bully to be violent. And the bully will continue to be bully. With or without you.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
