There are people who can be classified under the category a/antisexuals. These are people who declare that they do not feel a (strong enough) sexual desire for contact with another person and often live with a distorted belief about themselves – that they have been like that since birth.
However, when you look a little deeper into the whole matter, it turns out that there is no such person on this planet.
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Our energy is sexual and, as such, cannot be destroyed. It can only be transformed, sublimated or, in the worst case, suppressed. By suppressing this energy, you lose true contact with yourself, regardless of what reasons you did it.
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People tend to suppress, both because of the influence of society and because of conditioning to react with fear. This defense mechanism sometimes helps to preserve identity, but its abuse leads to the pathologizing of human sexuality.
Not recognizing the fear of success and satisfaction
On the one hand, I relatively often meet clients who are ready that they work on themselves, that they research, “to dig”, that they regularly come to sessions with the desire to change some things, but on the other hand, it is more their intellectual desire than a true willingness to they bite until the end.
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They have been out of sex for a long time (many of them, without a partner), in the sense of performing a sexual act with the opposite sex, and in this way, with an evasive approach, they have created an image of themselves that sex is too dangerous for them, that enjoying it is illegal, that they cannot allow themselves the luxury (read: risk) of being relaxed in sex, because they feel that it would all be too much for them.
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Many of them had “failures” in bed in the past or simply created a negative relationship with sex. For them, the fear of success and satisfaction is not as visible as the fear of failure (which they recognize more easily), because it is deeply suppressed and “unconscious”.
The impact of depression on the true self-perception
A few days ago, a client told me: “Josif, I thought about myself in an inadequate way for a long time – I thought that I was stupid, that I was not worthy enough of a girl, that I would look ridiculous when I kissed, that I had nothing to offer others, but over time I noticed that some influential people listen to me with respect when I say something, so I realized that I had been living in ignorance all along because of my depression.”
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Clients report what is on the periphery – that the desire for sex is not present, often in a package with other sexual dysfunctions (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, anorgasmia, painful intercourse, etc.), but they rarely want to go further in the research of this phenomenon, but it is the therapist who “must” dislodge them from theirs comfortable unconscious positions.
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So, we have people who don’t feel sex in the right way, like >all the normal worldthey already experience it in a distorted-perverse-avoidant way. In translation, this means that they (not all) engage in sex through masturbation, pornography, various fetishistic, transvestite or sadistic fantasies (therefore, through various types of sexually addictive activities) when they are alone, but never with real sex – through intimacy, love, surrender and relaxation with another person.
Even when there is sex, it is in an alternative form – manual or oral sex, rubbing of the pubic parts, with great oscillations in sexual desire, which seems forced rather than real. These types of behavior are not genuine, from the “depth of the soul”, but represent a way to maintain the relationship, and the motive for such behavior is the fear that the relationship may fail if they are totally “asexual”.
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Their movement is mechanical, more passive, without presence, without verbalization, rather anemic, with the desire to end as soon as possible – as if they are in a horror movie, not in the bedroom.
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Over time, they “want” to see themselves as asexual people, because if they have problems with arousal for so long and have no real desire for sex, then they must be asexual. However, this is far from the truth, because what you perceive the other person as strange body, does not mean that she has too much desire, nor that you have absolutely no sexual desire.
With the help of a therapist, you should explore why you see yourself that way or, more correctly, why you “unconsciously” want to see yourself that way. It’s as if in this way you want to remove the great burden imposed on you by sex, so avoiding it seems like a way to freedom.
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Why are these people so afraid of sex?
Something that should be a source of enjoyment becomes so much of a nuisance, that over time it leads to real suffering in your lives. You don’t want it, but, nevertheless, you constantly support it unconsciously. Instead of facing it, you postpone it. Under the slogan “there is time”, you do various things, which seem to have something to do with your ultimate goal, but, in essence, you still do not want to go to the very end.
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So in practice it happens that some clients reach a certain significant point, where it is necessary to make a turn, but just then, for some “strange” reason, withdrawal begins. Various kinds of sabotage begin to appear – that there is a lot of work, that there are currently no girls around (at least not attractive ones), that the partner is not available or that she had her period, that they simply cannot do it, and the like. Such types of sabotage are maintained until the therapist sees through the client’s unconscious intentions to convince both himself and the therapist that this is a fact.
The therapist patiently waits for all these self-delusions and rationalizations to wear off, so that he can act much more directively, when the client is a little more confident, but the real truth is that total confidence cannot be achieved (nor is it necessary) in order to move forward.
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One of the great misconceptions that imposes itself on the human mind is that we need some special readiness to overcome our barriers. Therapists often use various techniques to “distract” the client from his obsession with the ultimate goal and to break it down into mini-goals – small bites, which cause a small degree of anxiety, which can be tolerated.
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Why do some clients not want to bear even that kind of tension?
Because they are afraid of being dragged into their “radiate If “, then when they felt really unhappy, helpless, isolated. So, some progress has been made, better feelings are there, but they are fresh and new and still not mature enough for their being to integrate them. If they have been in a depressive mode for years, and now they have entered into a more beautiful experience of themselves, they cling to it like a small child who gets hold of a cake. The path has begun to develop, but in order to stay on that path and begin to increase confidence in their own process and existence, people lack conscious mechanisms.
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Obviously, there are clients who are more open or ready to follow and explore the therapist’s suggestions and tasks, agreed upon during the session. In the same way, there are those who unconsciously fight “against” the therapist, because it seems to them that there is another way of solving the problem, which does not involve them in the right way to a sufficient extent, but leaves them aside, as they are used to, with by his suffering.
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“People cling more and more to their suffering. For so long they have been taught to suffer, so they continue to cling to it more and more. And there is also a reason for that, in suffering the Ego exists. So you continue to hold on to suffering more and more, because suffering allows you to have a sense of self. When you are miserable, the Ego is more and more present. When you are happy, the Ego relaxes.”
– Osho
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The former achieve very good results, despite the fact that their cause of anxiety can sometimes be very deep. It seems as if the Ego has matured, so there is less desire to cling to it. The latter are to a greater extent divided – they listen to the therapist on the one hand, and themselves, that is, their Ego, on the other.
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They don’t achieve much that way, because the path of change requires absolute surrender and letting go, leaving old programs, thought processes and identities behind somewhere, where they belong. All this requires courage, it takes courage to jump into the cold river, to swim (often upstream) in order to reach the goal.
The goal is to become functional in sex, to accept pleasure and enjoyment, right?!
That’s why a person has to open up to it, he has to practice conscious focus and be honest with himself. Otherwise, there is no way to resolve the dysfunctionality.
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Choose a new you!
Kabir once said: “I observe people. They are so afraid, and I don’t see why – because they have nothing to lose. They are like a naked man who is afraid of swimming in a river – because he doesn’t know where to dry his suit afterwards.”
You are naked, without a suit, but still in awe of the suit.
By choosing the old you, you are proving to yourself that there is no help for you. Asexuality is imposed on you as a justified reason for your failure.
Is that what you really want?!
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
