Do date nights really help our sex life? The thought of them makes me want to stick needles in my eyes, but something has to happen or we’ll never have sex again— many couples who have been married for a long time ask themselves this question regularly.
Tracy Cox, famous sex educator answers: People want to stick needles in their eyes at the thought of date nights because they involve planning sex.
I really don’t understand why people have such a strong reaction to planning sex, but they do! People are like, ‘What?’ That’s terrible. It takes all the fun out of it” or “So what, I just put it in my diary – “have sex today”. It just turns it into a job.
Why is it turning into a business?
You would write the restaurant reservation in your diary and you would get wonderful anticipation every time you look at it. That is something to look forward to. We plan to go out to restaurants all the time. We choose a restaurant, look at the menu online, think about what we will order, what we will wear. Why is meal planning acceptable, but suggesting we do the same with sex is not?
The really funny thing is that we really ALWAYS plan sex.
Even at the magical beginning when we think everything is exciting. When you first meet, couples put a lot of effort into planning sex. You think about what you will wear to show your body to the maximum, you carefully choose your underwear, make sure that the bedding is fresh, you think about the music, the lighting, what you will do to each other when you leave, how they will react when you pull out that recognizable sexual gesture…
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Sex is a special occasion at the beginning and there is no end to the anticipation of planning.
I’m very much in favor of planning dates with my partner that include sex because I think anticipation is a good substitute for spontaneity.
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And – like it or not – the spontaneous desire disappears over time. You have to create a desire for the long term.
Having said that, there is a date night and a DATE night.
Simply writing “Date Night” on the calendar and putting absolutely no effort into planning what you’re going to do means you’ll both be looking at each other in horror when it comes down to it and end up having horrible, forced missionary sex with the lights off.
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Meetings work when you both take turns planning what to do. And they don’t have to involve sex.
Date nights shouldn’t be a night for sex. They are the night (or day) when you take the time to spend relaxed time together, doing the things you love to do, that put you in the right place and headspace that would – MAYBE – lead to sex. If you don’t have sex, you’re still connected and having a good time just the two of you.
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So when it’s your turn to plan, plan something nice to do together… but also plan something new to try in bed in case it turns into sex.
Make a surprise and be inventive. Thinking, “Oh my God, there’s a meeting tomorrow night and we’re going to have to have sex” is boring and makes it hard. Thinking: “Tomorrow night is a love meeting. I wonder where we are going and what we will do? And I wonder what surprise he has for sex?’ it does something to look forward to and look forward to.
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It doesn’t have to be a big surprise either. It could be sex in another room, or shiny new underwear, or maybe a sexy movie you chose to watch.
So does this still sound like something that makes you want to stick needles in your eyes?
Dating works, but only if you approach it the right way.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
