You’ve always dreamed of your child finding love (especially having a gaggle of grandchildren). This day has finally arrived, here he decides to introduce his other half to you. You have spent years raising your precious offspring, obviously only want the best for them, and incidentally for the person to be perfect. Problem: you didn’t anticipate that your loved one would get on your nerves so much and only find faults in him.
Except that you are probably imposing an almost impossible ideal on his or her partner. “He is the person best placed to know which spouse he should have”says Colleen Marshall, therapist. So before rushing headlong into conflict, take a deep breath, take a step back, and ask yourself these three essential questions, brought together by HuffPost who interviewed experts on the subject.
1. What really bothers you?
Before you condemn your child’s partner, ask yourself if what’s bothering you is your own values or a real problem. “Each family has its traditions and ways of being, and this can be a source of tension in new relationships,” explains Colleen Marshall. If she speaks just a little too loudly or doesn’t understand your love for board games, is that really grounds for declaring war?
Your own family quirks must also be upsetting for him or her, so be understanding. Especially since, let’s be honest, it can also be linked to a touch of jealousy. Perhaps you are having trouble accepting that your child has a new confidant and that you are taking a back seat. But no one wants to have a 45-year-old Tanguy at home, so temper that feeling.
2. How valid is your concern?
If there is a possibility of psychological and/or physical violence, you need to speak up, advises Lisa Brateman, social worker. “In such a situation, we cannot just sit idly by,” she continues. You may notice that your child’s partner is controlling or isolating them from friends and family members. At that point, intervene, but think carefully about the words you use.
“The key is to tell your child that you will always be there for them regardless of their decision to stay with this person, but that you are concerned for their safety”she says. You can also contact a local support center for victims of domestic violence.
3. Can you talk to your child about it without judgment?
If your concern is not alarming but persists, favor open discussion rather than confrontation. “Telling them that you don’t agree with their choices may push them further away from you rather than closer to you,” explains Lisa Brateman. So forget the “you should dump this big loser” and opt for: “How do you feel in this relationship? What do you like about him/her? The idea is to initiate reflection, not to impose what is bad or good.
Ultimately, we are not in the intimacy of a couple, and only the person involved can truly know what is right for them. Be curious, open, without judgment (or grit your teeth): the priority is to listen to your child.
Source: www.slate.fr
