Usually, the bigger it is, the funnier it is.
Don’t start feeling bad from the first words of this column, and think instead of a bank account or a portion of fries. Or a dinosaur, well. Spielberg would never have done Jurassic Park with a slew of Compsognathus, small creatures weighing barely a few kilos and less than a meter long, tail included. Don’t start again with your bad mind, eh. And thank you Wikipedia for extending the already impressive list of my useless knowledge, except in the case of the possibility of winning a pie chart during a game of Trivial Pursuit.
In short, usually, when it’s bigger, it’s more impressive, more joyful, or more fascinating. Except for football.
The proof: table football is one of the most beautiful inventions in the world. Just above the airfryer which makes you nuggets without oil, and just below the small utensil which removes the piece of shell for you to eat your boiled egg.
Yeah, I’m sick, it’s mid-November, the next storm which passes over France, I’m pretty sure it will be called Mont d’Or or Figolu. And there I am, gurgling.
In short, table football is wonderful, and yet football, which is only a version 500 times bigger where you play directly on the table, well it’s completely rubbish. And even sometimes, it’s not far from being Nazi. Yeah, I always do Godwin points when my body is deficient in trans fatty acids.
In short, football sucks. Well, let’s just say that it’s very boring. At least, in rugby, the ball is not round and there is suspense with each kick. Well, at the moment, unfortunately it’s more the players who are very round, like the tails of a shovel, and who manage their third half quite poorlyregardless of the hemisphere. (Yes, my favorite sport is practicing euphemism in the gym.)
That being said, rugby supporters are, above all, people who represent a threat mainly to mixed boards or happy hour pints. Whereas in football, every other match, even in Ligue 1, Ligue 2 or Ligue thirty-three, you have the impression that it is FC Montaigu which hosts Racing Capulet, and that it is worth better seal off the country and reassemble the army if you want to hold out for two halves.
Can you imagine if all basketball, swimming or even ping-pong fans were the same type as football fans? Can you imagine the face of a 100m butterfly final with the splashes of chlorinated water mixed with the homophobic yelps of the public as a soundtrack? Or even a match ball from the Lebrun brothers with bottles thrown towards the net with each racket stroke?
No, strangely, in other sports, everyone holds their nerves. But in football, we invented two absurd things: the offside rule and hooliganism. And this second concept is the easiest to export everywhere on the planet. Aaaah, if all the hooligans in the world held hands… Well it would be easier to put them on a catapult and send them into orbit.
In short, football sucks. And sometimes, football is a draw, and it never lives up to its name so well. Zero plus zero makes Retailleau’s head. Yes, I know, it’s free. But what do you expect, I have always been more Saint-Nectaire than sectarian dwarf.
Here, I’m gurgling again.
Come on, look forward to Monday.
Source: www.slate.fr
