Intimacy means caring for another person – friend, family member, partner, as for yourself, openness, honesty, surrender to that person, despite the inevitable hurt.
You noticed well: I didn’t say the risk of injury. If you are often brave, often vulnerable, often open – it will definitely happen.
Someone will not like you, someone will be too little, too much, someone will reject your proposals, someone will want to reject everything you are ready to provide… in whatever role they are in.
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One of the most famous and respected psychologists who dealt with intimacy, Erikson, defined it as “the individual’s capacity to commit to concrete friendships and partnerships, and to develop the ethical strength to remain faithful to these relationships even though they may require significant sacrifices and compromises.”
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Erikson divided the life process into life stages, each one can take place positively and the development continues adequately, but each one can also become complicated, we can remain fixated on some conflict… intimacy is a positive outcome of the development phase (20-30 years), and the opposite is isolation.
The fear of intimacy is widespread, each of us can feel and recognize it to some extent.
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Most of us had so-so good relationships in the family, but that also means that they were so-so bad. The consequences of these parental mistakes are often reflected in the fear of intimacy, for example, through a question What will happen to me if I get too close, or allow another person to get quite close to me??
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Depending on the initial relationships, we will create answers, and accordingly, strategies that will help us avoid facing unpleasantness.
All our strategies, responses, dilemmas, conflicts, fears, needs, possibilities, etc., are contained in our identity.
If we are sure of our qualities and values, we will not have so much fear and doubt that our partner will deceive us, leave us, reject us. If we are sure of our identity, there will not be too much fear that it can be lost or significantly changed if we achieve an intimate, deep relationship.
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On the other hand, if we see ourselves as an individual full of flaws and shortcomings (which is why we are not worthy of someone’s attention, affection, love), we will not allow a complete opening to another person.
She will see that we are hiding something, that we don’t have enough trust, and the gap between us will slowly deepen.
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In the end, we will most likely end the relationship, thereby confirming to ourselves that we are inadequate, that it is impossible to love us, that we should not even try, etc.
Some time ago, I noticed a mechanism in myself: I cause conflict through passive aggression and avoidance when I should be the most intimate and connect significantly before expecting an awkward relationship period.
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Given that I understand where it comes from and how it manifests itself, I was able to share it with my partner, so that we can both look at that behavior in future situations, and not make a bigger problem about it, but to get the necessary space to calm my emotions with understanding and support and then I will be ready to give him the same.
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If I hadn’t indulged in introspection, I could have remained lonely in a feeling that doesn’t even have a foothold in reality.
Partners in a mature intimate relationship (love, friendship or family) are not devoid of conflicts and misunderstandings, but they are willing and free (from internal dilemmas) to use their capacities in the best possible way, so that the relationship can return to the desired state as soon as possible.
As I mentioned at the beginning of the text, intimacy must be developed and practiced. In this practice, you will be challenged to rely on gratitude, patience, acceptance, working through intense fears and dilemmas, forgiveness.
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In this practice, it will be very important to learn how to rely on another person.
I believe that many people have been confused by that concept, so I will only refer to it briefly: reliance is a healthy behavior that is motivated by the desire and need to connect, with no greater fear of another being.
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We can confuse it with the concept of dependence: dependence is the inability to rely on ourselves, the need to be in a relationship, because otherwise we would not survive. I hope you see that these terms are actually opposites.
In order to allow ourselves to practice intimacy, which necessarily means allowing space for hurt, we must pat ourselves, praise, encourage, inspire, prepare and tell ourselves that any outcome is ok.
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Instead of criticizing, judging or humiliating ourselves, we offer ourselves understanding, tenderness and compassion.
Self-compassion is a warm and gentle way to connect with constant inner experiences, especially when we feel inadequate. This skill engages our capacities for vulnerability, courage, kindness and love.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
