Communication is one of the cornerstones of a successful personal and professional life – but most people never receive any formal training in it. Communication experts compiled a list of the eight most common bad habits in conversation and offered advice on how to protect ourselves from them or how to get rid of them if we recognize that we have them.
The way we talk affects all areas of our lives, whether it’s entertainment, talking to a superior about a salary increase, communicating in a public place or speaking in public. It also affects making and maintaining friendships.
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Experts believe that we acquire communication skills through education. We copy parents, then teachers and friends. Investing time in learning to communicate better can improve the way we present and promote ourselves, which can significantly increase our sense of self-confidence.
Me, well me and hijacking the conversation
We are all psychologically wired to find a common language with other people. That’s why, when a friend describes his recent trip to an exotic island, we can use it as a springboard to tell an experience from one of our trips.
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We want to connect and share our experience with them – but matching every friend’s anecdote with one of our own isn’t the best way to do that.
“Constantly bringing up your experience when someone is talking, saying, ‘Oh yeah, that happened to me,’ is overkill on the other person,” notes Reilly Altano, a communication skills coach. “It sounds very self-centered after a while.”
The way we talk affects all areas of our lives
If you recognize that you often turn the conversation back to the topic you know best—yourself—you should work on your active listening skills, such as paraphrasing what the other person has said and asking questions. Remember that people want to feel heard and you don’t necessarily have to add to their story.
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If hijacking the conversation is a trait of one of our friends, we should gather courage and draw his attention to it. Altanova suggests a non-confrontational approach: “I noticed that when I say something about what is happening to me, the conversation suddenly turns to another topic. Did you notice that too?”
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We can also try to take the floor every time this happens and continue – “As I said…” – or introduce a request for the interlocutor’s advice into the story, which can help keep the focus on what we have to say. “If they feel included, they’ll have less need to say, ‘Oh, well, this happened to me,'” Altanova explains.
Shutting down
Do you tend to back off when someone says something you don’t like – or do you sulk, refusing to continue the conversation? A stone wallas it is called, is a protective technique that some people adopt when they are overwhelmed by stormy emotions, according to Roma Williams, therapist and author of the book Unload It: An Effective Guide for Leveling Up Your Communication. But it makes the other person feel frustrated, isolated and rejected.
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If you tune out when you’re upset, you may benefit from journaling or other emotion regulation techniques, Williams says. She coaches clients to practice saying to themselves, “I’m upset—I just need a break,” instead of walking away without saying a word. If we let the other person know that we would like to continue the conversation later, when we get together a bit, the tension will be reduced for both of us.
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On the other hand, if our friend or partner is excluded from the conversation, we can say: “It seems that it is difficult for you to talk about this right now. Would a break help?” This can give them the time and permission they need to get their emotions under control before continuing to talk, the therapist advises.
Often interrupting the interlocutor
The first step towards breaking the habit of falling into the word is to see it and admit it to ourselves – and then dive into the search for the root cause. “Why am I doing this? Is it because I don’t feel like I’m being listened to?
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Is it my ego?” notes Annie Velcom, Associate Professor in the Department of Communication at Drekel University. You may find, for example, that you jump in during online meetings because you want to contribute to solving a problem and worry about missing an opportunity.
Talkativeness is not always a good trait
To overcome this habit, work on accepting that not all of your ideas will be heard in the moment—but you’ll have plenty of chances to share them later. You can send an email or schedule another meeting. If you still find yourself trying to interrupt others, get into the habit of apologizing: “I’m sorry, I interrupted you. Please finish what you started.”
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If you are the one being interrupted, prof. Velkom suggests calmly interjecting: “Excuse me, I’m interested in what you have to say, but I’d like to finish my thought.” Expressing that you care about their perspective and plan to listen — when it’s their turn — will help them feel less defensive or like they’ve just been slapped, the professor adds.
Excessive verbosity
We’ve all met someone who turns what would be a two-way conversation into a monologue. “That’s the biggest complaint I hear when I work with clients,” says Alex Lyon, a professor in the communication department at SUNY Brockport who makes popular online videos that teach people how to become better communicators.
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“Some people take two minutes to say something that could be said in 20 seconds. Why? “Probably because of the mistaken assumption that the ability to give long presentations means they are effective communicators,” believes Lyon. “You hear people say, ‘I’m a talented talker,’ but it doesn’t always look like talent to listeners.
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If you’ve reached your endurance limit, cut back – this is the one time that withdrawing from the conversation is allowed. In workplace scenarios, you can ask a talkative person what they need or what the bottom line is, Lyon suggests. In social situations, divert the conversation to another topic (or come up with a polite excuse to go out).
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If you recognize that you are the one who talks excessively, ask your friends for feedback. Tell them you’re working on your communication skills, Lyon advises, and that you’d appreciate knowing how to improve. Tell them that it’s okay to cut you off when you start overdoing it and that you’re genuinely trying to break the habit. “It takes courage,” admits Lyon, but the payoff can be significant.
Distracted “listening”
Generally speaking, people are not good listeners, says prof. Welcome. We read emails during online meetings; we “subtly” check our phone at dinner; we make a plan for the next day while our friend is talking. That distraction is the problem.
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“The inability to actively listen is so important because it can really diminish one’s sense of worth,” says the professor.
We are not good listeners
If you notice that a colleague is clearly not paying attention to the conversation in the work environment, Velkomova suggests that you address them personally and draw attention to get them more involved. Or use some humor, which works in both professional and social settings: “What’s the phone saying? Do you want to share with us?”
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If you know your listening skills could be better, first put your phone in your pocket or turn it upside down and physically remove all other distractions, advises the professor. Give the other person your full attention by looking them in the eye, using body language like nodding your head to show you’re following them, and resist the temptation to start planning what you’re going to say before it’s your turn.
“Topping”
Conversation isn’t a competition—yet some people act like it is. You know those types of people: if you say you bought a new car, they’ll tell you about their shinier, fancier version. Just adopted a puppy? Their dog graduated first in his class from obedience school, and so on.
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The best way to deal with such a person, says Lyon, is simply: “Good for you.” I’m happy for you.” “It kind of means you’ve hurt your pride, because they might feel like you’re letting them win,” adds the professor. “But conversations aren’t something you’re supposed to win.”
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You may still be tempted to respond with a not-so-humble brag that will trump everything the other person said. But check your ego in real time – “Why am I trying to outdo them? Is it because I’m insecure or feel inferior?” – this can remind us that we’re just not engaging.
Hijacking ideas
Professor Velkom noticed an interesting – and frustrating – phenomenon: when a woman expresses her opinion about something in a work meeting, a male colleague will repeat it as if it were his. “I think it’s really incumbent on other women and men to respectfully warn people about this,” says the professor. For example: “Peter, thank you for summarizing what Milica said.” That trick works well, Velkomova adds, because it doesn’t humiliate Petar – but you still give credit to the person whose idea it was.
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You might also consider pulling them aside later and saying, “I’ve noticed this a few times – you’re probably not aware of it.” “You will soon find out if they are aware, or if they continue to do it.”
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And if you are the culprit? It might help to think about the origin of the habit and work to overcome it with a therapist or communication coach.
Offering unsolicited advice
Sometimes you just want to get everything out that’s bothering you – which means you’re looking for a listener, not a flood of unwanted (and potentially irrelevant) advice. Unsolicited advice “influences people in the wrong way, because it’s a bit cheeky,” says Altanova. He suggests stopping the person you’re talking to: “I really appreciate your input, but right now I just want to vent.”
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On the other hand, if you’re inclined to give a friend some words of wisdom, first ask, “Are you ready to hear a few suggestions, or would you rather not right now?” That expression gives people the strength to say no, Altano points out—in which case it’s important to respect their boundaries and save the advice for another time.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
