Famous sex educator Tracey Cox shares stories of how it all went wrong – and reveals how to make it right – with the UK’s DAILYMAIL audience.
Cox also explains how you can safely share your fantasies.
New research says that sharing sexual fantasies with your partner is a good idea.
A study of 287 people showed that of 69 percent of those who share fantasies, 80 percent have a positive experience.
Tempted to do the same? Not so fast.
There are reasons why only a small percentage of us tell our partners our darkest, dirtiest ideas.
Our fantasies usually involve either other people or our current partners doing something they might not like.
Another reason is that, contrary to popular belief, very few of us have the desire to act them out.
One of the biggest myths about fantasies is that they are repressed desires. They didn’t. Most are conjured exclusively for sexual entertainment.
Not everyone gets it, which is why admitting it is risky—and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
You’ll find tips on how to safely share your fantasies with a partner for those who dare to take the plunge, but read these cautionary tales first.
A lot can go wrong – and often does.
“HE HIRED A PROSTITUTE TO HAVE SEX WITH US – WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST.”
Kristin, 28, got a birthday surprise she didn’t bargain for after sharing a lesbian fantasy with her then-boyfriend.
“My boyfriend wasn’t the type to always pester his girlfriend about a threesome.
“He was a teacher and if nothing else, a bit boring. We had normal sex on a regular basis, but nothing particularly creative or exciting.
“One night, we were a bit drunk and about to have sex and I decided to tell him that I had been fantasizing about having a threesome with another woman a lot.
“I often masturbate to lesbian porn, but when I climax, it all goes out the window and I’m back to being my usual heterosexual self.
“Like many people, I had no desire to live out my fantasy in real life.
“At first he looked a bit shocked, then he asked a lot of questions and we both got hot and bothered and the sex was great.
‘It quickly became our ‘thing’: I would describe what I thought would happen if we had a triple and we both got out of it.
“At no point did I express any interest in making our role-playing game a reality.
“He started acting strange about a month before my birthday.
‘What color hair did the girl have? What body type? How tall? But I thought that was all just part of the fun of role playing.
He kept telling me that he had arranged a birthday surprise that would make me “love him forever”.
“In retrospect, it’s obvious. But I wasn’t sure what to expect. I assumed it was a designer bag that I had wanted for years but couldn’t afford.
“On my birthday, he told me to get dressed and meet him at his place, then ‘the party would begin.’
“I thought that meant we would drink champagne and then go to the restaurant he had booked.
‘He was incredibly nervous. He was constantly looking at his phone and listening to see if there was anyone at the door. Then I thought that he had arranged for my sister, who lives abroad, to come. He kept teasing me and saying: “Wait, just wait”.
“When he finally opened the door, he entered the room with a woman I didn’t recognize.
She was young, blonde, with a high ponytail and dressed in a figure-hugging dress, stockings and heels. I knew immediately: she was a sex worker, and he hired her to have sex.
“I was so shocked that I couldn’t speak. No part of me thought, “Hey, this is great! I can finally live my fantasy”. I was furious with my boyfriend and embarrassed for her.
“He saw my face and looked stunned: he honestly thought it was going to be my dream.
“I asked him to come into the kitchen and told him to get rid of her now – but to make sure he paid her. This wasn’t her problem, it was his.
He kept repeating, “But you said you wanted this. I don’t understand”, over and over. That made me even angrier. He kept telling me to drink a little more alcohol and see how I felt then.
“I couldn’t believe that he organized this without first consulting me. Or that he won’t accept defeat and ask her to leave.
“I don’t know if he had sex with her on his own, because I left and didn’t look back. I dumped him by text, blocked him in everything and never spoke to him again. What a stupid, typically male thing!
“It’s ironic that she’s now starring in my fantasies – ones I’ll never share with anyone again.”
“HE TIED ME TO A CHAIR THEN LEFT ME LIKE THAT WHILE HE WENT TO A CAFE WITH HIS FRIENDS”
Viki, 23, was not amused when her boyfriend turned what was supposed to be a sexy fantasy into a practical joke.
“I should have known not to share my fantasy with my (then) boyfriend because for him everything was a joke. He couldn’t take anything seriously – fun most of the time, but not in the bedroom.
“I’m a big fan of the Fifty Shades of Gray books and I’ve bookmarked the pages of the books I like the most and read them when I masturbate with my vibrator.
“I keep the book hidden, but my boyfriend found it and very quickly realized why the book naturally opens to certain pages. He asked if being tied up turned me on and I admitted that it did. He said he would like to try to do it to me and I agreed.
“I was so excited when he came home with some merchandise: the real deal, too.
There is nothing on our bed to tie me to, so he tied me to a chair instead. But instead of teasing me, Christian Grey-style, he grinned and said, “I’m going to the coffee shop!”.
“I thought he was joking, but he wasn’t. He left me tied up for half an hour – and told his friends what he had done.
“It’s dangerous to do things like that and he made me look and feel stupid. I don’t think I’ve ever been more angry with anyone in my life. We broke up because of that.’
“THANK GOD I FOUND OUT YOU WERE A PERVERT BEFORE YOU GOT PREGNANT”
Holly (37) shared a BDSM fantasy with her husband while drunk and blew up the marriage.
“I’ve always been turned on by tying.
My ex-boyfriend and I liked to play the roles of slave and master: we would use blindfolds and fluttering handcuffs and have a lot of fun playing together. I was in my early twenties when I did it.
“Fast forward ten years, and I’m married and trying to get pregnant.
“My husband was much older than me and there were problems with sperm motility.
“We were pretty good together, by the way.
“He was never going to set the world on fire, but he was tough and decent and just what you need when your upbringing was chaotic.
“Sex was OK. The usual format that long-term couples fall into: a few minutes of foreplay, then intercourse where he would have an orgasm and I wouldn’t (even though I pretended to. Stupid.).
“I experienced my orgasms by masturbating solo with BDSM videos on pornography.
“Everything was fine until one fateful day when we both had too much to drink and became a little too honest.
“He gave a rare insight into his past relationships, revealing that one of his exes was “really weird”.
“My immediate reaction was: “Thank God! Maybe now we can be more adventurous”. I asked if he liked it, and he smiled and said: “Very much”. I took this as a license to reveal that I also like a bit of weirdness.
“I told him that I often masturbated to porn videos of women in dungeons being whipped and bound and that I had many BDSM fantasies.
“I expected that this would turn him on and that we would both have much better sex than we did. Anyone who has ever tried to have a baby knows how boring and mechanical sex can become.
“To my horror, he looked at me in complete astonishment. “What are you doing?” he asked. I repeated it and he pushed me away from him and got up from the bed. His face was a mixture of disgust, revulsion and anger.
“It turns out that the ‘freak girl’ suggested they have sex outside. Once. Lesson one: never assume that quirky means the same thing to different people.
“The next thing he said was, ‘Thank God I found out you were a pervert before you got pregnant.’ The marriage was over at that point, really – on both sides. No one calls me a pervert because I have perfectly normal fantasies.
“This did not stop me from sharing my fantasies. Quite the opposite – now I share them at the beginning of a relationship because they reveal who I am sexually. Shamelessly adventurous.”
HOW TO SHARE YOUR FANTASY WITH YOUR PARTNER(S) WITHOUT GETTING OVER YOUR HEAD
Follow this checklist and you won’t go wrong:
How well do you know each other?
Sharing fantasies requires trust: it’s not something I would do with a new partner. Unless you’re 100% sure that the information won’t be used against you or repeated to others (and how can you be sure if you haven’t known them long?), don’t do it.
Are they oversensitive?
Some people react defensively to any suggestion of new sexual demands, taking it as criticism that your current love making is not enough.
Will it make them jealous?
Any fantasies about real people you know or are likely to meet disappear for obvious reasons. Keep the sense of fantasy, just keep the person anonymous.
How is it there?
Fantasies can sound ominous when repeated out loud, and if you’ve had them for a while, chances are their initial shock value has been diluted for you. Anything that involves sleeping with other people, ‘fake rape’ or some sort of swinging could backfire. Even if you have no desire to fake it and just want to tease yourself, some people find it disturbing. Start with ‘safe’ scenarios.
What do you want to happen after you confess?
Why are you telling them? Do you want to make it a reality and ask them to join you, or do you want their permission to let go? Do you want to role play with them? Or are you just talking about a little sexiness?
It is a very good idea to tell the person what you would like to do with the fantasy before you tell them what it is.
What if they react badly?
If your partner seems to overreact to a mild fantasy, it could be because you’ve hit a sweet spot: it could remind them of a previous, traumatic sexual experience or childhood memory. If they get angry, stay calm and discuss possible reasons why.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
