Do you want a harmonious relationship? And do you have the skills necessary for a good partnership?

Most often it is thought that for love it is necessary for two people to meet, for the chemistry to work, for the dice to be put together and for a romantic fairy tale without an end to begin.

If things accidentally go downhill, we think we made a mistake when we chose and continue to search for “the right one” or “the right one” to make our desires come true.

Katarina Krstić Gestalt life coach and advisor, HR Consultant
Katarina Krstić
Gestalt life coach i savetnik,
HR Consultant

What we mostly want is a relationship full of understanding, love, attention, commitment, excitement, joy and exchange. We want to feel loved, as we are, with all our weaknesses and flaws, to feel care and support, a sense of togetherness with a lot of passion, pleasure, fun and joy.

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We think that for that we only need to meet that one right person and that the matter will be resolved and a happy future guaranteed. Then, when we check whether we finally won the lottery, we usually think about what our partner is like, how much he fulfills our expectations, whether and how satisfied we feel, what irritates us, frustrates us, makes us insecure or pressures us in that relationship. If things don’t go very well, we blame the other party for inflexibility, selfishness, misunderstanding, lack of goodwill and desire for change.

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Perhaps we never ask ourselves what it takes for us personally, and our partner, to have any chance of achieving a good, fulfilling romantic relationship.

Regardless of whether we are lovely, strong, successful, smart, gentle, romantic, strong, caring, creative, interesting, attractive or possess any other characteristic that makes us attractive to our partner, these characteristics are not essential for quality and destiny of our relationship. Based on them, we recognize each other, attract and connect, but they do not guarantee that we will feel the way we want in that relationship.

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In order to succeed in building and enjoying a good partner relationship, we need to possess some other key competencies, and our partner must also possess them. Dealing with the topic of those essential conditions that give us the capacity to achieve a good emotional connection, researches generally point us to several basic factors or preconditions that we need to possess or conquer within ourselves first.

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The first of them is – Self-awareness.

It implies that we are in good contact with ourselves, aware of our needs and desires, the way we treat them and the way we present them to others. If we are aware of what we want, and are ready to express it in an adequate way, asking for support from others for our needs, expectations, ideas or plans, it will be easier for us to get what we are looking for.

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Otherwise, if we don’t even know what we want, and we expect someone else to satisfy us, whatever the other party does cannot be good enough.

In situations where we are not ready to define ourselves and know what we want, or we are not ready to communicate it but are waiting for someone to read our minds, there are high chances that we will be disappointed with our partner and feel that we have no support, love, empathy or care from the other side. .

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In addition to self-awareness, it is also important to love and accept ourselves because regardless of the fact that we know what we want and feel, we will not be able to present it to others if we do not accept and nurture those parts of ourselves.

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If, for example, we are ashamed of some of our ideas, expectations or reactions, we will not be free to communicate about them with others, so they will not understand us or be able to meet us. What we hide from others, what we do not accept about ourselves, becomes visible to others anyway, but they will interpret it through their prism and without enough information from our side. They may perceive us as capricious, rigid, unclear or funny, if we are unable to explain the reasons for our behavior.

From all that has been said, the next important factor emerges, which is the readiness for authentic, honest and open communication with the partner.

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The awareness that understanding cannot be achieved without communication and that wishes cannot be realized without action is also an important prerequisite. Because silence is an action that leads to distance, and the desire for someone to understand us without words is an unrealistic and sure way to lose closeness, love and attention.

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If we clearly know what we want, we are good with it and ready to communicate, the next thing that is necessary for success in achieving a good emotional relationship with someone is awareness of the wishes and needs of the other party and the willingness to give them priority in a measure that includes equality and care.

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A mistake that we may systematically make can be either too much insistence only on our desires or too much putting our desires aside.

If we believe that the relationship serves to satisfy us and insist that all our wishes are fulfilled, we build a relationship in which the other party will begin to feel neglected, tired, unhappy, angry or even used.

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Over time she will begin to move away seeking what she needs with someone else or she may stay there and develop avoidance strategies in relation to what comes from us. The same thing happens, only from the other side, if we give much more importance to our partner’s needs and fail to realize our desires. In such a relationship, we become increasingly dissatisfied, disappointed, angry, expecting someone to notice and change the rules of the game.

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All these conditions require that we actively deal with them, and no matter how much we work on ourselves, we never finish that work once and for all.

In this field, as in any, dedication is required because the possibility of getting out of good condition is guaranteed if we do not exercise.

Then when we are not in good balance or good contact with ourselves or when something happens in our relationship that we do not want, it is good to ask ourselves the following questions:

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– What is it that I really want and feel?

– Do I accept that in myself and how do I treat it?

– Am I communicating this honestly and openly?

– Do I respect my own and my partner’s needs equally?

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The answers to these questions can point us to some of the possibilities that we do not use enough and facilitate the next steps. However, if under a rush of strong emotions we are not able to react maturely and constructively at that very moment, it is good to remember another important factor called – control of emotions, which is also singled out as a very important prerequisite for a good partner relationship.

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The ability to express our feelings in a constructive way, respecting both ourselves and others, or at least refrain from reacting until we realize the potential for it in ourselves, is also a necessary condition for a harmonious and fulfilling emotional relationship. If we don’t have it, it’s time to start working on it, perhaps by going back to the previous questions.

Source: www.sitoireseto.com