It’s always been the most asked question and I’ve been writing about sex and relationships for decades.
“I’m afraid of sex. What’s wrong with me?”
“I’ll do everything I can to avoid it – even though I know it’s ruining my relationship.”
“I see that look in his eyes and I want to run away.”
We know that women lose their desire for sex faster than men in long-term relationships. Not because our sex drive is lower, but because women need more interesting sex than men to enjoy it.
Also read this: How to have sex every day all day
Our orgasm rate is lower (probably for the same reason) which also reduces motivation.
But that’s not the whole story…
Research suggests that around 40 percent of women worldwide experience decreased desire. After interviewing hundreds of women for my latest book, I would put that percentage even higher.
There is another reason why women give up sex that is rarely mentioned in research or studies: it is because sex comes as a package deal.
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I’ve come up with a four-step plan to help women reconnect with their sexual selves based on this fact.
And guess what? That works.
What do I mean by “arranged package”? Everything will become clear. Let me guide you step by step.
Women like to make general statements.
“I’m not interested in sex.” End of story. No further discussion is necessary.
When I ask: “But why? Narrow it down for me to what you don’t like about it,” I get a different perspective.
“It’s because I don’t love my body anymore.” (Would you be happy having sex in the dark? Or do you feel better if you get more compliments from your partner?)
Also read: How to have an orgasm (for women who have never had one)
“I don’t like to be constantly pestered for sex.” (Agree on a method of initiating sex that works best for you and talk about how often you are happy when you have sex.)
“I’m too tired at the end of the day.” (Do this in the morning or during the day on weekends.)
“I don’t experience orgasm during intercourse”. (Join the club: Only 20 percent of women do. There are plenty of other ways to climax.)
The thing is, there are solutions to most problems. You just have to be very, very clear about what the problem really is in order to solve it.
Action plan: Make a list of all the things you don’t enjoy about sex. Give yourself time and continue until you feel you have covered the main elements that prevent you from enjoying sex with your partner.
Or at least you wouldn’t mind doing it, if you had to.
When pressed, women say things like, “Well, I still like kissing.” Or “I enjoyed stroking my breasts.”
Other comments: “I love cuddling and the feeling of closeness afterwards.” “I guess it’s a compliment that he wants me.” “It makes me happy to see him so happy.”
Also read: Can romantic dates with your partner help revive your sex life?
When I say to women, “Why don’t you keep having sex that involves the things you like and stop the things you don’t like?”, the response is immediate and predictable.
“Don’t be silly! My partner would never consider it. For him, sex is intercourse, and if you don’t have it, it’s not real sex.’
If only men could understand this simple concept.
Also read this: Make sure you’re ready for sex – Healthy genitals = happy sex life
If they didn’t make intercourse a part of every single sex, more women would be interested in sex.
Many women enjoy some elements of sex – X and Y – but not Z. Knowing that Z – intercourse – is always part of the equation, they avoid sex altogether.
Intercourse may be the most favorite part of sex for men, but it leaves many women cold.
Even worse, we find ourselves in a bizarre situation where it’s perfectly fine to say, “Actually, I’m not very fond of fingering/oral sex/sex toys.” But it is unthinkable to say: “Actually, I don’t enjoy sex that much”.
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If every sexual encounter was varied – sometimes it was just kissing, other times stroking the breasts and maybe some hand stimulation, the next time he pleased her with a vibrator or one of you gave oral sex, women wouldn’t announce that they don’t like it EVERYTHING in sex.
Action Plan: Now make a list of all the things about sex that you have enjoyed and may still enjoy. It’s okay to write things after play (I love cuddling at the end), it’s all part of the sex experience.
First, look at your “What I don’t like” list. For each thing you don’t enjoy, try to think of a solution, like the example I used above.
“It goes from zero to 100 too fast.” Solution: If he had spent more time on foreplay, I would have enjoyed the sex more.
If you’re struggling to flesh out your “What I enjoy” list, consider the following:
Also read this: You won’t believe how often the ancient Greeks had sex! This is the prescription for their viagra
Do you still masturbate? What do you think about when you do it? If you watch erotica, what about watching it with your partner?
What technique do you use during solo sex? Does your partner know how to perform this technique on you?
If you use a vibrator to climax, have you considered asking him to use it on you?
Would you feel more comfortable having sex in the dark? What time of day would you prefer to have sex?
Also read: Why My Partner Still Masturbates Solo: Is It A Bad Sign?
Where do you feel most comfortable while doing it?
Does music encourage you? What kind of music?
Are you happy giving sex instead of receiving it? Many women are very happy to give oral sex to their partners, they just don’t want the favor returned.
Are you daydreaming? What are those topics? Is there anything you can take from them to include sex (get him to tie your hands behind your back, for example).
Also read: You will never be good at ORAL SEX if you don’t follow these rules
Does reading a popular book or watching sex in a movie or TV show excite you? Would your partner be open to watching/reading them with you?
Action Plan: After this information gathering, you should have a clear idea of what you want less of, what you want more of, and a few ideas about the type of sex that would suit you better.
Now all you have to do is…
Don’t worry if this is the most daunting task of the whole exercise: it is for most people.
But the good thing about talking about sex with your partner for the first time is that once you get over that initial awkwardness, it gets easier very quickly. And even easier. To the point where you wonder why it took you so long to do it.
Also read this: Why men fall asleep immediately after sex
Trust me, if you’ve been avoiding sex and not having sex regularly, chances are your partner will be more than happy for you to talk. Especially one who has a positive attitude and lots of suggestions and solutions.
Wait until you feel better and then say, “I’ve been thinking about our sex life and that we don’t do it as often as we used to. I was thinking about/read an article that made me really think about sex and the things I like and the things I don’t like. I found it really interesting and I want to share it with you. Would you be up for it? I’m also interested in knowing your favorite parts of sex and things you can take and leave.’
Also read: Are your genitals making you unhappy?
It’s a good conversation starter. It may take a few steps to get to the point where you’re both comfortable chatting, but the reward for this far outweighs any inconvenience.
Together, you can put together several sexual scenarios that both of you would enjoy. Sex that isn’t just X plus Y equals Z.
Try to come up with at least four or five rough plans for how the sex session might go. You don’t have to follow them religiously, just have an idea of what you’re aiming for. Some will favor one of you over the other, but relationships are all about compromise.
Having said that…
Women’s sex tends to be more about foreplay, so it’s more satisfying for her and him (don’t be fooled: men like foreplay too, they just need permission to lie down and enjoy themselves, not to be in charge).
Also read this: How to use a vibrator on a man
If couples have sex her way, sex happens more often.
If you’re in a relationship with little or no sex and you have a choice – I’m happy to have sex this way or I’m not interested in sex at all – most men are happy to accept the first option.
Also read: Why do some people choose POLYAMORY? Psychology explains it to us!
Try it. You may be surprised at how welcome your suggestions are – and how quickly a situation you thought was beyond repair can be turned around.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
