expert advice on how to fix it

A recent video on TikTok went viral, reminding many parents of the priceless value of being present to events which see their children as protagonists. The video, taken up by numerous pages and media, shows a series of children ready to perform in a competition or a school play who, when they see them in the audience a familiar facethey light up with joy and show off big smiles.

“Being present counts” is the phrase that accompanies the scrolling of the images and in fact all the experts agree on the importance of showing children support and emotional support through physical presence to similar events. But what does “being present” really mean for your children? And what happens when, for various reasons, a mother or father finds himself unable to participate in his child’s show?

The importance of a secure bond

Second Alejandra Galindoa Houston family therapist recently interviewed by the site Parentsthe attachment bond between the child and the parent (or the adult figure who takes his place) enormously influences the way in which the child will relate to the world. A child who perceives the parent as a constant presence and attentive to his needs develops a sense of trust and security which will help him manage emotions and create positive relationships in the future.

Guaranteeing children a safe and stable bond through physical presence, therefore, not only sends children a clear message (“I am here”), but makes them feel listened to, understood and, ultimately, loved. As can be clearly seen in the TikTok video, for example children’s mood changes significantly: from nervous, children become enthusiastic at the sight of their parent, a sign of a profound sense of security which is the basis of their serenity.

Never blame yourself: absence is not a betrayal

Despite good intentions, there are cases in which it is impossible for parents to attend all events. Commitments of value, agreements between separated couples, or banal last-minute unexpected events can lead to parents not being able to participate in their child’s play or competition.

Of course, it certainly won’t be pleasant, but experts urge you to Don’t blame yourself too much. According to Galindo, a mother who is unable to be at the Christmas play or a father who misses his son’s match (a great narrative topos that made dozens of films of the 90s the success) must learn to forgive these small shortcomings. Indeed, these inconveniences can become an opportunity to teach your children that It is not always possible to be perfectturning a negative thing into an opportunity to convey to them the value of self-understanding.

“The most important reason to be forgiving as parents is that there are other ways to introduce ourselves to our children and create safe bonds,” Galindo said.

What to do when you can’t be present

If it is not possible to participate personally, there are other ways to show support and closeness. For Regine Muradian, psychologist and essayist, focus on quality of the parent-child relationship is much more important than making a sterile count of the number of times you have attended an event. Even a simple daily ritual, such as a movie together or a chat before bed, can create indelible memories and make the child feel loved and supported.

The crucial point, according to Muradian, is therefore to find a healthy balance between the commitments to be completed and self-care. To remedy the lack of presence, therefore, a mother or father can take different paths.

• Honesty and transparency: if you already know that you probably won’t be able to be present at your children’s play or performance, the thing to do is to be clear right away and explain well why you won’t be able to attend the event. Even if the news may displease children, showing sincerity and recognizing their emotions is still a good way to establish a constructive relationship of trust. Deceiving them to the last minute and then not showing up with improvised excuses will instead have the opposite effect, disorientating the little ones and taking away their certainties.
• Record the event: Nowadays all you need is a mobile phone to take quality images. Asking another parent or a teacher to record the performance and then watching the footage together, commenting and showing your appreciation can still help recreate a shared experience that will warm the little one’s heart.
• Send a personalized message: whether it is a short message, a phone call or even a handwritten note, sending the child a “good luck” or a personalized thought shortly before the performance will communicate to the child the emotional closeness of the parent, physically absent but very present with heart and mind.
• Recreate the event: in his speech to Parentstherapist Galindo also suggested a creative option, suggesting recreating the event, or a small portion of it, at home in front of friends and relatives. In this way, the parent demonstrates interest and participation in the child’s growth and successes.