Many people have asked me this question over the years, says Tracy Cox, a well-known sex therapist. Men and women. What’s the harm in side sex if no one gets hurt? You don’t say what the sex is like in your marriage, but I assume you’ve been together for a while and it’s so-so.
I’m not going to preach to you about how it’s not very nice to sleep with someone else’s husband. I leave that to your conscience. Here, I’m going to focus on why this can hurt your marriage.
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In theory, it sounds like a logical way to deal with the sexual boredom that can happen in a long-term relationship.
What you are doing is having your cake and eating it. You enjoy the comfort and security of marriage, but you also get excitement that is not part of most long-term marriages through an erotic affair. Everyone understands why you do it – but that’s not the point.
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Affairs make us feel alive, sexy, valued. We can reinvent ourselves, to be what we want to be. They make us feel more attractive and all this can have a positive effect on marriage. It’s not uncommon for people who have affairs to have more sex with the person at home, as this boosts your interest in sex in general. So what’s the problem, right?
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Here’s the problem: you assume you won’t get caught and you should NEVER assume you won’t be found out. About 65 percent of people who cheat are discovered at some point.
It’s technology that trips people up – more methods of communication means more to cover up. Most people who cheat are caught via text message (39 percent). Another way is through emails (22 percent). Being caught in a lie about where you’ve been accounts for 20 percent. Getting noticed is another way, and being referred by a friend does the rest.
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You can get away with an affair.
But that means deleting all messages, emails, photos right after you’ve seen them. Keep nothing, never tell anyone – not even a single friend.
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It can be done. The reason many people get exposed is because they can’t resist keeping that message or photo. It turns them on. This makes them feel good about themselves. Or they realize that they cannot separate sex from love and begin to develop feelings. Almost all leave detectable evidence. And to repeat – people reveal themselves. You might be discovered. Now, I want you to do something for me.
Imagine your partner’s face when they find out.
Watch the emotions play out. Shock, disbelief, hurt, anger, disappointment, devastation. How harmless will it seem to them? I don’t know if you have kids, but imagine their faces when they find out. You’re risking everything you’ve got.
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It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner if you’re having an affair – but it does mean that you don’t respect him (and what is love if it’s not based on respect?!).
You’re breaking a vow. You took what was only your husband’s or wife’s—sexual and emotional intimacy—and shared it with someone else. It’s not special anymore because it’s not something you share exclusively together.
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If you love someone, and he supposedly loves you, you feel safe. You two are against the world. When someone has an affair, everything you believed in is gone and you have to think again about what kind of relationships you are dealing with.
Affairs are destructive because affairs involve lying.
“It wasn’t an affair I couldn’t get over, he lied to my face,” is something I hear over and over again. There are many risks here. Even if you get away with it after an affair, there is a loss of virginity and a scar. It takes years of hard work to rebuild trust, if that’s really possible.
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Your partner feels stupid, you see him differently.
If most people stopped and mentally imagined their partner’s face if they found out, they wouldn’t have an affair at all. I want you to do it.
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Another reason why affairs are so destructive is that you prevent your primary relationship from growing. If someone else satisfies your sexual needs, you stop trying to satisfy them with your partner.
And are you sure that only sex is missing? Most people have affairs to get something they don’t get from the relationship they’re in – it’s as simple as that. Your relationship is vulnerable if you fulfill some needs outside of marriage. Maybe it’s just sex, but if you’re having an affair, you stop making amends with your partner because you’re meeting your sexual needs elsewhere.
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The essence of all this is your personality and morals.
If you can read this and still think, “Yuck. I still don’t see anything wrong with it,” then you’ll probably get away with it. But very few people really believe that there is anything wrong with cheating. Can you really look your partner in the eye and not feel guilty? Most people can’t and that’s when everything unravels.
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Our instincts are strong. If you are close with your partner, they will eventually suspect that something is wrong, even without proof. There will be a twinge of guilt.
Here’s one final thought: an affair involves two people. You only control your side.
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You can’t control what your lover does or predict whether they will reveal themselves. Go ahead with all this only if you are ready to risk everything.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
