Chances are, you’ll be able to quickly name the issues that you think are driving distance between you and your partner.
On the other hand, it is very likely that the answer will be much more difficult for you if you are asked what you specifically expect from your partner or from your relationship with him. Isn’t it? And with good reason, as a relationship progresses, it’s easy to focus on the problems and dark spots in your relationship.
We will tend to say and repeat what bothers and frustrates us about our other half, instead of directly expressing our expectations and desires.
According to psychologist Lisa Firestone, whose comments were reported by Psychology Today magazine, expressing what you want is actually a powerful tool for ending an argument.
“This helps you avoid damaging relationships with your partner, which can put them on the defensive. It’s also a way of being vulnerable that allows your partner to know you and feel something for you. When you talk honestly, directly, and from an adult’s perspective about your desires, your partner is more likely to be open, receptive, and personal in return.”
Here are some approaches that, according to the specialist, can help you evolve towards this style of relationship.
According to the psychologist, this is a technique that is used in hot moments, when an argument leads nowhere.
“If the goal is to be close to your partner, sometimes it’s best to let your side of the dynamic go.”
To do this, start by calming down, refusing to talk back, and instead saying something warm and sincere like, “I care more about feeling good about you than winning this argument.”
These measures often have the effect of softening the other, who is then more inclined to abandon his point of view on the dynamic. Then you can communicate in a more direct and vulnerable way, without trying to blame the other person or to be right. You can start to be clear about what you want and encourage your partner to do the same,” explains Lisa Firestone.
Many people find it difficult to say what they want out loud, or even to admit it to themselves. When expressing your wishes, it is important to do so directly, but to remain vulnerable.
“Try not to sound like you’re demanding or use words like ‘I deserve.’ When a person in a relationship acts as if their partner owes them something, they tend to fall into the trap of complaining or complaining, which only alienates or irritates their partner. “, indicates the specialist.
You shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for just expressing what you want. Try to remain open and honest, so that your partner can more easily relate to your feelings and feel touched.
It is important not to be passive-aggressive towards those close to you. You shouldn’t punish them because they don’t instinctively know what you want or because they can’t read your mind.
“No one can or should expect another person to meet all their needs. Instead, you should strive to feel like a whole person.
Of course, it’s natural to want to feel love and connection, but there’s a big difference between saying what you want as an adult and feeling like a dependent child whose survival depends on your partner giving you what you need.
Your words should be an authentic expression of what you want, not a demand for what you “need” or an expectation of what you are “entitled to.” » , explains Lisa Firestone.
According to a psychologist, many people feel more comfortable when they say, “You don’t seem excited to see me anymore” or “You’re always distracted.” It’s okay to share your feelings with your partner, but if all they hear is a stream of complaints, it’s more likely to push them away than to encourage them to come closer to you.
“The exercise of saying what you want is actually expressing something about who you are and what is important to you. That’s why it’s best to start with “I”: “I want to feel wanted by you.”
“I want you to pay attention to me.” “I want to have fun with you.” » “I want to feel that you listen to me.”
This helps you have more sense and understanding for yourself, while hopefully inspiring the same reaction in your partner. “, she specifies.
Many people avoid saying what they want because there are strong emotions attached to the desire. For many people, expressing their desires seems to awaken primal wounds, bringing back memories of what they wanted as children.
“Each of us has defenses about our wants and desires, but it’s helpful to give in and take the risk of being direct in our relationships with adults.
Learning to communicate what you want is invaluable. We feel stronger when we live in a state of desire. You are in tune with yourself and your life is better oriented.
And if you do get hurt, you’ll learn that you’re strong and can handle more disappointment than you ever imagined. Most importantly, when you express yourself in this way, you learn that you are worthy of what you want and that you are much more likely to get it. “, concludes the psychologist.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
