How (not) to raise a daughter | Sieve & Sieve

A girl, about eight years old, and her mother, in her early thirties, are filming themselves with a mobile phone on the bus. The girl “makes faces” and “goofs around”. Her mother tells her to “be a little feminine.” The little girl is dressed in gentle clothes women colors, dominated by pink. There is also a bow and flowers.

In another video, while speaking, the same girl gestures animatedly with her hands. The mother gathers and holds her hands together with her own. He pays attention to how the girl looks on camera. He tells her to be careful how she dresses, “so it doesn’t look like she has no neck.” The girl listens to her mother and corrects herself, then forgets herself. But there is a mother who does not forget.

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The girl is infinitely good and obedient. You can see that right away. That girl is better friends with her teacher than with her classmates. Moreover, her peers do not accept her and unite against her because she is one of the few who always they listen to what the teacher says and never they don’t talk in class. The girl is, you would say, well-bred.

However, is it dirt upbringing and good upbringing?

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Traditionally, obedience, calmness, tenderness, femininity, finesse (of speech, gestures, behavior, manners), (with) sensitivity, modesty are encouraged in girls. In our society and culture, rights the girl is nicely dressed and neatly combed, has good grades and likes to study, is careful how she behaves and doesn’t give her parents a headache. There is no problem with her. With i’m making there is for boys, because – “they are boys”, they are different (ie, brought up differently).

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To a girl who is growing up and is on her way to becoming one rights the girl’s parents sent many warning messages.

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Let’s say Don’t get angry/argue (anger is for boys, for girls it’s pleasant feelings – love above all), Don’t shout (watch how you speak and express yourself, speak more quietly) or It sits nicely (put your legs together or cross them).

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These and similar messages say: look, walk, sit, think, speak, feel, smile and act like rights little girl. The kind of girl we as parents want for ourselves. Make it easy for us by listening to us without question. Don’t disappoint us, anger us, let us down, embarrass us or worry us. Do not protest and do not oppose us. Trust us, we know what’s best for you. Don’t be like your brother, boys are different.

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Therefore, the girl concludes that she is neither her mother’s nor her father’s if she expresses dissatisfaction, rebels and stands up for herself. If he does not fulfill the wishes and expectations of his parents. If only he expresses and behaves according to what he feels.

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One day, when she grows up, the girl who was once held back and stumbled by her parents’ messages will continue to stumble just as much. In the relationship with emotional partners (who, most likely, will resemble a frustrating parent) above all, but also with other, more or less close people.

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Girls are told many things no (my)but they are not told how, when and to whom to say the same thing themselves. It’s not hard to come across the right onea good girl, a girl and a woman who pleases, panders, agrees, suffers, endures and is unhappy because she does not know how to stand up for herself, set boundaries and assertively say it is.

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So, how do you (not) raise a girl? Why should you (not) teach it?

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First, don’t expect or ask her to be beautiful. Do not teach her that it is good to be beautiful, that beauty as such is a high value. That boys love beautiful girls, that beautiful girls and women marry well. Don’t teach her that only feminine is beautiful. Don’t expect your daughter to be feminine. Allow her to be the girl she is, can, wants and knows how to be. Recognize, accept and support her individuality. Rejoice in her and thus teach her to rejoice in herself.

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Think about and reconsider the rules, requirements and boundaries in your relationship with your daughter. Be sure they are in the service of her best interest. When you feel like you’ve gone too far – you probably have (put your own wants and needs before your daughter’s wants and needs).

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Remind your daughter again and again that she is (and more than) enough, just the way she is. That she does not need to think or not think, speak or not speak, feel or not feel, do or not do in order to be loved. Teach her to be authentically lovable and worthy of love. That, before all future significant and close others love her, she should embrace and love herself. In full. With everything that is, isn’t, will be and won’t be.

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Nurture your daughter’s strengths, whatever they may be. Praise her when she succeeds. Allow him to make mistakes. Help her understand and be sure that you love her and will love her regardless of her choices and decisions. Nurture her questioning and curiosity. Encourage her to explore, search and find herself and hers.

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Talk to your daughter. Listen to her and hear her. Try to really understand how he thinks and feels. Ask her opinion and consult her, even though she is small and does not know everything yet. Don’t forget that you don’t know everything either. Respect her opinion and take it seriously. This is how you teach her to trust herself and her impressions, opinions and conclusions.

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Never tell her, “That’s for boys” if she chooses something that you don’t think is for girls. Let him play with the toys he wants, freely reach for the wardrobe in the colors he wants, he prefers pants to skirts, has more boyfriends than girlfriends and dreams of one day putting out fires. Do not put out the fire in her with sentences: “You can’t do it” and “It’s not for you”.

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Don’t teach her that boys who act disinterested are actually interested in her. And by no means teach her that she needs to conquer and make those who are not interested in her. And do your best for her to understand and know that the fact that someone doesn’t choose her doesn’t mean she’s not OK and good enough. To understand and know that it is necessary to change only if she wants it for herself.