But what if you don’t have an orgasm at all? Never. During partner sex or solo?
This is a step-by-step guide to help you achieve orgasm for the first time. All you need is an open mind, some lube, a vibrator – and privacy.
Your first orgasm is almost 100% likely to be achieved solo.
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This is because when you have your ‘L’ tables, you feel much less self-consciously alone because you are in complete control of what is going on and you are not worried about what your partner thinks or how they look at you, that is, how you look.
In fact, I’ve never met a woman who didn’t experience her first solo orgasm through masturbation, says Tracy Cox, a well-known sex educator.
That’s key – not just to have the first one, but to keep them going. Practice makes perfect.
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One of my students can go from completely unexcited to orgasm in 20 seconds using her fingers.
“I’ve been doing it every day since I was a kid – and of course I’m good at it,” she says.
The more you masturbate, the easier the orgasm becomes.
Before we get to the practical tips, I have a question to ask…
Yeah, this is a pretty weird question because your answer is probably, “Like, if I did, I’d hardly be reading this, right?”
But the thing is, thanks to pornography where orgasms are both explosive and desperately dramatic, some women imagine that it’s something much more intense than it actually is.
Also read this: Sexual fantasies – what disturbs you in reality, sexually excites you in your imagination
Did you feel an increase in pressure and any contractions at the peak of arousal, no matter how small those contractions were? If so, you may have orgasms, just “small” ones.
You can increase the intensity of your orgasms by improving the strength of your kegel muscles or increasing your level of arousal before you let go.
Readiness is the first stage of sexual excitement. You have to want to have feelings of sexual pleasure for that to happen. If you focus on negative thoughts – sex is bad, I shouldn’t be doing this, my body isn’t attractive enough, I’m fat, I’m not hot – of course it’s not going to happen.
Also read this: Why do we have sexual fantasies – what is their purpose and how can they lead to a bloody feast?
The brain is a sexual organ.
What is your body image? Women who are worried about their bodies have less sexual desire and enjoy sex less.
Most women learn how to orgasm through masturbation, as I said, says Tracy Cox. If you come from a strict religious background or have parents who told you that touching yourself is “wrong” or “disgusting”, chances are you don’t have that attitude.
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If you still find it difficult to masturbate, try to normalize it by calling it (and sex) by another name. Using a word that your brain doesn’t immediately associate with “bad” makes it less dangerous. Try calling sex “having fun” and masturbating “giving yourself a present” or “making yourself happy”.
Google a clear image of a female vulva.
Armed with a good diagram, take a mirror, take a good look at your genitalia, and find where the tip of your clitoris is (the part you can see). Take a good look around, identify the inner and outer lips and get to know what you look like. (I had a mirror when I was about six, curious to see what was ‘down there’, but you’d be surprised how many grown women never have!).
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While you’re there, search for “female sexual response system” and read a little about how your body works.
I would also suggest that you go online (if you are embarrassed to go to a sex shop) and buy a simple but powerful vibrator and some good quality lubricant. You will need both to…
This is so you know what you’re aiming for.
Some therapists will advise you not to do this and to try your fingers first, leaving vibration as a last resort. The reason fingers are partner friendly.
I agree that it is crucial to be able to orgasm using your fingers, but a vibrator is undeniably the easiest and most effective way to experience the sensation of orgasm.
It’s pretty much impossible NOT to have an orgasm with a vibrator.
Also read this: SEXUAL CONFIDENCE: Successful sex solves everything – is it really so?!
Add some lube to the area or vibration and hold it with closed lips (vaginal lips) at the upper end (near the belly) so that it vibrates the clitoris below. Try rolling it, holding it at different angles and varying the speed and pressure, until you have an orgasm. It’s really simple to keep it where you like it – and keep it there.
The feeling of orgasm is terrifying when you experience it for the first time. I was also scared – I seriously thought that I would explode and that a part of me would be torn off. But all that happens is that a lot of blood is pumped into your genitals and clitoral area.
Also read this: WHY SEX IS PAINFUL FOR ME: A long list of reasons why penetration can produce pain
Orgasm is simply the moment when your body releases blood back into the body, which is euphoric. Once you understand what’s going on, you’ll (hopefully) feel less freaked out by the feeling.
The vibe may not be strong enough, it may be too strong (try putting a shirt between you and it), or there may be deep, psychological factors at play.
Read this: SECRETS OF FEMALE ORGASM: How to increase orgasm (in 11 steps)
Sometimes, an early traumatic experience that you (don’t) remember can still affect you. Our brain will “hide” information from us if it thinks it’s too painful to remember. It sounds smart, and it is to a point, but your brain isn’t the only thing that remembers: your body is, too.
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If you feel that something is wrong, but you are not sure what, or you are generally uncomfortable with sex, see a therapist. A visit to a good sex therapist will usually cure any problems quickly and effectively. Only a small percentage of women never experience an orgasm without professional help – it’s unlikely that you will be one of them.
Once you’ve had a vibrator orgasm and know what you’re aiming for, it’s banished to the bedside drawer.
Now let’s try to have an orgasm using our fingers.
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Put some lubricant on your inner lips or fingers and first find your clitoris – the pea-sized piece, hidden under a protective hood, at the top of your vagina. Try gently stroking near or around it with your middle finger or the pads of several fingers.
Also read: TABOO SEX: Why kinky things turn us on so much
Try moving around it in circles, then gently rub directly over it, back and forth, when you feel more aroused. Experiment with different strokes – hard, soft, fast, slow, until you find what suits you best.
Also read: Everything men do in bed that women can’t stand
Try to at least get to the point where you’re really excited before you give up or give in (and let those fingers slide to the bedside drawer where your vibrator lives).
It often takes longer with your fingers to master the technique, so be patient.
Aim for about six or more 15-minute sessions over the next two weeks. If it doesn’t work, try alternative ways of masturbating – try a new position (try lying on your stomach or sitting on a chair instead of lying or sitting on the bed with your legs apart) or rubbing your clitoris against something (for example, the arm of the sofa).
Also read: Do you need to drink a little alcohol (or a little more) to relax and enjoy sex? Here’s what the problem is and how to solve it
Focus on enjoying all the sexual sensations you experience instead of concentrating hard and thinking “I have to have an orgasm.”
The more you try, the more distant it will seem.
Fantasize in your head about something you’ve done sexually that turned you on or you’d like to do. Read a sexy book, watch an erotic film or porn, or listen to audio porn (find female-friendly erotica). Try to squeeze your pelvic floor muscles and remember to breathe deeply through your stomach.
Also read this: Make sure you’re ready for sex – Healthy genitals = happy sex life
Another word of encouragement: it can take many years to reach your first solo orgasm, but it gets easier and faster the more often you experience it. I promise!
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
