HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE TERRIBLE: Sex problems, arguments, violence and addictions

Fortunately, couples are helped to become experts in bickering and fighting, as they have the opportunity to observe their parents for years. However, each generation wants to add its own personal contribution, so a large part of the married life is devoted to the development of the newspaper in this endeavor. To help the newcomer, we will describe a few standard procedures.

Arguments are nature’s instrument to keep marriage alive. Marital unhappiness requires discussing in such a way that nothing changes and that the discussion is persistently repeated. If the problem is solved, you have to find a new one to argue about next time, and most couples don’t have the strength or imagination to constantly find new problems.

Better to have a few unresolved issues and drag them out through years of marital monotony. The two ways in which arguments can end up repeating themselves are at opposite extremes: either withdrawing and sulking, or escalating into violence so that the argument ends in shock and embarrassment, but nothing is resolved.

Distance encompasses discussions that range from violence in the form of verbal abuse to sulking, silence and withdrawal. Retreating is the best way to end a discussion without resolving anything. If a couple withdraws from every argument into silence, terrible problems can be nurtured and maintained for years.

Ending the withdrawal so that the couple can argue again can sometimes be a problem. In extreme couples, sulking only stops when the partners have to talk because a child has broken a leg, or an earthquake has occurred. Many problems can remain unresolved during as much as forty-two percent of the duration of a marriage.

The record is held by a woman who objected to the way her husband said “I do” at the wedding and did not speak to him throughout the marriage.

Violence is another extreme way in which a couple can continue to argue without resolving anything. Sometimes it is thought that only certain people can be violent, but this does not seem to correspond to reality.

Even couples who are politically pacifist and kind to animals hit on each other. Of course, blows in visible places will attract the attention of the community, so restraint and calculation should be used in the case of violence. It is best to start small, such as a punch to the hand, and gradually increase the punches so that over the next few months, noses break.

As with any brutality, it is important to go step by step: each level is explored until the couple gets used to it. Then the next step of the attack doesn’t seem so scary. A couple who have escalated in this way may be surprised when the neighbors are shocked by the blood and broken noses.

Perhaps a case report will help. Once upon a time, there was a doctor of biology and his wife, a master of mathematics, who would get drunk and fight every Saturday night. Those who think that education can make people less violent should realize that this is not true: education actually provides new opportunities, which are not available to the proletariat.

For example, such people have experience in teaching and this husband taught his wife boxing. “This is a left hook,” he would say and hit it. “This is the right crochet.” In addition, they could use their knowledge of anatomy and hit each other where it would hurt the most and be seen the least. Once his wife hit him in the kidneys with a toaster.

In situations like this, of course, everyone blames the other party for what happened. The woman said that the husband is a weakling who is turned into a monster by alcohol. He said that she provokes him and that she is an “unprovoked” type of person because she claims that he always hits her “unprovoked”. On one occasion, he stated that he had decided to break his addiction to hitting his wife.

He vowed not to provoke him to violence again. The following Saturday, she said something offensive, and he said he wanted to avoid an argument. He went to another room. According to his story, she came after him and started yelling at him. He retreated into the corridor. She pursued him. He went to the bedroom and locked the door. She was banging on the door and shouting. In the end, she broke down the door and started cursing him. He hit her “unprovoked”.

This couple was in therapy and the therapist insisted that the husband should not physically abuse the wife, no matter how she provoked him. Therefore, if it happens again, the woman should call the police. She did so and it did stop the violence, but for unexpected reasons.

A woman called the police to complain that her husband was beating her and a young policeman came to their house. “And do you want to file a lawsuit, madam?” he asked casually. The couple expected the policeman to be shocked that violence was happening in their upscale neighborhood of educated people.

The policeman was casual because he had apparently already made a number of such visits in their neighborhood, which embarrassed the couple as their fights were not unusual. The snob husband was shocked enough to stop beating his wife, not wanting to be ordinary.

Addiction to drugs, alcohol and other substances makes marital unhappiness easily attainable, if not inevitable. However, these potions should only be used if the spouse’s skill range is limited.

Regular drinking will make a marriage unhappy, but instead of relying on that crutch, more skill should be expected from the average man or woman. Any spouse is capable of sober psychological abuse if they really try.

One example of how a couple almost solved the drinking problem that was making their marriage unhappy shows the danger of seeing a therapist. A middle-aged couple visited a young psychologist and the woman devoted the interview to explaining how her husband’s drinking had destroyed their marriage.

She spoke of herself as a living martyr to his alcoholism. At some point in the interview, the husband said how hard it is to stop drinking and that his wife should know that since she can’t stop smoking. She replied that it was not the same at all and that his illness had ruined their marriage.

“I will stop drinking if you stop smoking,” said the husband. “Don’t be crazy,” replied the woman. The energetic young therapist pointed out that this was her chance. Drinking had ruined their lives and now she just needed to stop smoking and he would have to stop drinking.

The woman gave them a thirty-minute lecture about how her husband can’t stop drinking, and besides, she gave up everything in life for him and shouldn’t be expected to give up her only pleasure, smoking. A skilled therapist, after prolonged negotiations, convinced the woman to agree to stop smoking if her husband stopped drinking.

They left the office and when they returned the following week, he was sober and she was not smoking. There was considerable tension between them. They faced the possibility of a more harmonious marriage. When the couple came the following week, the husband slumped on a chair drunk, and the wife lit a cigarette.

“What happened?” – asked the young therapist in shock. “I’ll tell you,” said the husband, tongue-in-cheek. “Last week I was driving down the street with my wife and she said, ‘Go buy me a pack of cigarettes,’ pointing at the liquor store.” Good teamwork between the two saved their unhappy marriage, and the therapist gave up on them in despair.

Sex problems, arguments, violence and addictions are tools that should be used in married life, from teenage marriages to wheelchair abuse in older years. However, different stages of marriage offer different opportunities for increasing unpleasant feelings.