Since the Coronavirus pandemic, a term has become widely popular: “mental load”. By now, everyone has heard of it. But what is it exactly? “Mental load is all those little everyday things that create a form of mental “to do list”, a sort of backpack of things that we have to think about and that create anxiety and stress. Then comes the emotional charge,” explains Christèle Albaret, psychosociologist and expert in It starts todaywhich supports women on the issue. “These are the things we need to think about because if we forget them there will be an impact. »
If today we are witnessing a change in morals where the distribution of tasks is becoming more common in heterosexual couples, the mental load remains the prerogative of women. “We are still on 60/40, assures Christèle Albaret. It’s still there, especially because it’s still invisible. It is perhaps even almost trivialized in our society. It’s almost integrated into education. There are things in terms of mental load that are more visible in parenting but for subjects like planning meals or going shopping, it is still the responsibility of women, even when they work full time . »
For information, in March 2024, the Directorate of Research, Studies, Evaluation and Statistics (Drees) unveiled a study on gender, employment and families with children. The latter demonstrates that inequalities within the same household are still indeed present. Proof of this can be found in the title alone: “The connection between family life and professional life always relies heavily on mothers”. One fact among many others: women spend on average 22 hours a day looking after children.
“The mother must be able to be recognized for different indicators”
For Christèle Albaret, the solution to freeing yourself from the mental burden lies in successfully letting go of the need to be a perfect and responsible woman. “There is a first work of permission, we must succeed in detaching ourselves from this guilt which haunts us when we cannot do everything. »
Especially since the saddest thing about mental load is that it doesn’t stimulate us, it wears us down, slowly but surely. “If only mothers could even delegate meal planningregrets Christèle Albaret. But, for many women, delegating means recognizing that you can’t do everything and that’s difficult to accept. However, it is not a question of losing control but of trusting others, whether it is your partner or your children. Mothers often want to get recognition for everything they do, but as long as this pattern is ingrained, this mental load problem will continue to be an integral part of our society. Today’s mothers must be recognized for different indicators. »
Although this problem is well-rooted in society, there are nevertheless slight differences between the different generations. “Among boomers, the question does not arise. Sometimes the husband goes shopping but it’s always up to the wife to plan the list. The man therefore transfers the weight of responsibility for meals. Among the younger generations, we notice a desire for more equitable sharing. Among Gen Z, the way that has been found is to order Uber Eats,” explains the expert who invites us to try to establish an in-between.
More than just sharing tasks, sharing responsibilities
She develops: “When we delegate too much, we feel like we no longer completely belong to ourselves”. Also, rather than always calling on external stakeholders or telling yourself that your husband will never be able to change and giving up, try instead to divide the daily tasks with him by arbitrating according to what costs you the most and the least. less to each. Who prefers to take care of taxes? Trash cans? Make sure that these daily tasks are decided in a dialogue, an exchange, rather than giving a pre-chewed list to your partner.
“Most of the time, men go shopping to buy peace, so that they won’t be yelled at. This is not enough. We must, through communication, move from a simple sharing of tasks to a sharing of responsibilities, because it is not the same thing, insists Christèle Albaret. Try to see together the advantages and time savings that everyone will be able to gain from this new distribution.”
As for children, it is of course the responsibility of each parent not to raise them in a home where the mother is the one who automatically carries everything. “At each age, there is a level of autonomy to be established. And when that hasn’t been done, we have to put the basics back together but without aggression. You can’t blame someone who hasn’t been taught things. »
And the role of politicians and businesses in all this?
In addition to the private circle of the family, politics and businesses must of course take up the subject so that things can change once and for all.
“As long as there is a difference in outlook on parenting, we will give women more space than men to take care of the home, deplores Christèle Albaret. We need fair paternity leave. As long as there is no such thing, it will always create an imbalance on the side of women. Because at present, when the child arrives it is up to the woman, on maternity leave, to take care of it entirely. It is therefore she who will take on the mental load and the “to do list” that goes with it because she is at home. When she returns to work, it will already be pre-installed. »
And to alert: “ We don’t see these little indicators coming. We tell ourselves that on maternity leave, we have time to think about all these things. We then assume that it is normal and it turns into a habit that we do not question. And it’s only once you find yourself underwater, overwhelmed by stress, that you realize there’s a problem.”
And if one day the question of abandoning the world of work for good to stay at home and take care of the children arises, the couple chooses based on salaries. That of the woman is often lower than that of the man, so it is she who stays at home. According to the Drees study, in 42% of couples, the woman has a worse situation. In only 8% of relationships, the man has a “lower professional level”. Bottom line: 31% of mothers give up their jobs for their children, compared to 5% of fathers. As for part-time work, 15% of mothers requested it for a reason mainly related to children, compared to 1% of fathers. Sometimes the numbers speak for themselves…
Source: www.topsante.com
