Since 2021, the We are association has been organizing discussion groups for men wishing to question their masculinity. At the beginning of November, in Paris, participants discussed the culture of physical, psychological or sexual violence.
In an intimate space set up like a bedroom, upstairs at the Pavillon des canals – a third place located in the 19th arrondissement of Paris – plastic chairs and leather armchairs are positioned in a circle. On the door, a poster: “Feminist listening circles and workshops for men.” This Wednesday in November, Candice Gacon and Victoria Rastello, two members of the feminist collective We are, arranged to meet eight men registered online. At past 7 p.m., two were missing. “Withdrawals at the last moment often happen, perhaps because of the fear of confiding in them,” says Victoria Rastello. There will be six of them, for almost two hours, discussing and questioning masculinity based on their own experiences.
“This listening circle is part of an activist and political dimension, not therapeutic, a framework from the outset for Candice Gacon. The main challenge is to be able to question oneself.” She then sets out the rules to follow: be kind, try to use the “I” as much as possible, do not interrupt yourself and be vigilant in the distribution of speech. Three men take notes. It is now up to Victoria Rastello to recall this evening’s theme: the culture of violence – physical, psychological or sexual. A subject that has “very lively, especially with the American elections and the Mazan rape trial».
“Avoid the pitfall of the boys’ club”
Then comes the turn of the table. Each presentation is concluded with a «merci» collective. The participants are between twenty-five and forty-five years old. All have higher education qualifications and vote left-wing. The vast majority of them have already participated in activist or associative activities. The support group does not escape social bias: here, we talk among already convinced people. There are Manu (1) and Alessandro (1), accustomed to these listening circles, and the four others for whom this is a first. Julien (1) and Mayeul discovered them thanks to a friend. Marc, via his wife, “very militant”. For his part, Thomas (1) acknowledges having registered for “better understand the violent behavior that (he) may have exhibited, in particular towards women”. For a first speech, the statement remains vague.
Created in June 2021 by activist Noëlla Bugni-Dubois, also at the initiative of the Instagram account “Nos allies les hommes”, which offers educational content on feminism, the association We are organizes these discussion groups combined with men, in France, Switzerland and Belgium. “Our collective considers that it is important that we, feminists, let us be accompanied by men who question their privileges and take action, just to feel less alone in our struggles,” explains Victoria Rastello. For the members of the association, the bond between women and men must not be broken. “The presence of mediators, like Victoria and me, in listening circles allows us to bring the perspective of sexized people (faced with gender discrimination, editor’s note) and avoid the pitfall of boys’ club»or the reproduction of a patriarchal pattern of male solidarity constructed without or even against women, underlines Candice Gacon.
“Many types of anger in men are questionable”
Manu, a doctor in physics, with mid-length hair and a well-groomed beard, says he “read a lot of theoretical feminist books”, but also realized that it still had a lot of gender bias. In particular, he confesses to having already resorted to emotional blackmail, because of “feeling of being crushed” in his previous relationships. “Were you able to identify where this feeling was coming from?” asks Alessandro. “I have neither learned to rebel nor to protect myself, which means that I cannot express my anger other than through a certain amount of violence towards those close to me,” replies Manu, who would like to work on his emotions with a psychologist.
Candice Gacon sees it as a symptom of a more systemic problem. “I tend to think that there are lots of types of anger in men that are questionable, particularly in their relationships with women when they feel like they are being dominated,” she comments, before sharing a memory with the audience. “I once told my ex-boyfriend that I didn’t want to sleep with him, I could feel his frustration all over the roomshe is indignant. He had to go into the kitchen to fight this feeling inside him.” Manu reacts immediately: “It’s dramatic but I grew up with the idea that if a woman was in love and regularly took pleasure in her sexuality with a man, there was no reason for her to say no.” Thomas, who is rocking back and forth in his chair, nods sheepishly. “Before MeToo, I couldn’t hear a clear “no”, regrets the one who works in the law, without openly admitting to having already committed sexual violence.
The Mazan rape trial, “it questioned me about my relationship with women”
The minutes pass, Mayeul mentions the difficulty of speaking seriously about intimate subjects in groups of male friends, Alessandro and Julien insist on the benefits of consultations with a psychologist to better manage one’s emotions… Then returns , like a boomerang, the news and the Mazan rape trial, where Dominique Pelicot and 50 other men recruited on the internet are accused of having raped his ex-wife, Gisèle, sedated to be abused. «It made me question my relationship with women», confides Marc, a free couple, who has had many discussions with his wife on this subject. “How many times has a girl told me “no” and I was like “are you sure?” while trying to charm her?” he continues, before concluding: “In my opinion, there will be a before and after the trial.” For Manu, “disgusted”, “we must give enormous resonance to this affair”. Thomas agrees: “I now feel the need to dissociate myself from the behavior of men that I find problematic, particularly in discussions with my friends.”
It’s after 9 p.m. The participants leave each other. Before leaving, Victoria Rastello distributes a document to them with recommendations for feminist books and podcasts. As if to send them the message that their participation does not entitle them to a certificate of feminism and that being a good ally is a process, never a definitively achieved goal.
(1) The first name has been changed.
Source: www.liberation.fr
