The line between love and hate is fine, it is well known. But do we have the right to hate our partner with whom the relationship has lasted for a long time? Many relationship experts recognize that it is normal to experience periods of hatred within a couple. Moreover, according to them, the difference between couples who last and those who do not depend on the way they manage their emotions when hatred enters the relationship.
In an AP News article, Marriage and family therapist Jane Greer explains: “Hating a person you love is something very common. We think we have a duty to love our partner continually and unconditionally, but fortunately it doesn’t work that way.”
Hatred towards one’s partner does not come from nowhere. Often, it is an accumulation of small habits that makes the situation worse. For Terri Orbuch, professor of sociology at Oakland University in the United States, this accumulation is that of“stereotyped annoyances”because it often involves actions such as leaving the toilet seat up or leaving your shoes lying around.
What is just a small, banal habit turns into provocation and a declaration of war within the couple, leading to “You never listen to me, you don’t love me” or “Maybe we We’re ultimately not made for each other because, right now, I hate you!”
As usual, you have to communicate
To avoid turning the living room into a battlefield, Terri Orbuch advises evacuating these little things through communication. She specifies that it is best to discuss it away from the children, at a quiet time (not just before or after work, nor in the evening when going to sleep).
To do this, the sociology professor shares a method she calls “the XYZ statement.” That is, after giving your partner some praise, you should explain things following this order: “When you do Rather than calling your partner lazy or lazy, you need to clearly express the behavior that annoys you. You will help him more easily realize the problem.
If he or she really annoys you, try to highlight the touching moments. According to Jane Greer, this is a good way to dissipate hatred, because you need to think about the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship, but also why these aspects make you feel good.
For example (to stick with the cliché), if your partner gives you flowers, you can tell them how you felt when you received them, instead of just saying “oh, thank you sweetheart”. Sharing your emotions proves that he or she has listened to you and reinforces positive emotions. It’s a refrain to maintain. Jane Greer concludes: “When you feel love towards your partner, express it. This is important to counter any animosity.”
Source: www.slate.fr
