At the center of the film is him, a man and father who has paranoid schizophrenia. Organized around that, the film is an extremely valuable contribution to illustrating and better understanding the conditions and feelings experienced by a person living with (this) mental illness. However, as a psychologist, I was primarily interested in the position of the child in the given film and the dynamics of the family shown.
Throughout the thirteen minutes of the aforementioned film, I watched a man who was afraid – even though there was no real danger. A man who sees what is not really in front of his eyes. A man who sees his wife as a threat.
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I also watched the child, their daughter, being scared together with her father – while he was trying to “save” them. I watched her learn, with her father, that the world is a dangerous place and you should be careful. I looked and asked question after question, in and for myself. On this occasion, I would like to think about them together with you.
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When we say dete or childhood – we mean carefreeness, innocence, protection, safety, comfort and happiness. And helplessness. A child cannot, does not know and must not be alone. It surrenders and believes unconditionally. He loves his parents no matter who they are, looks up to them, learns from them but also depends on them.
He knows about them before everyone else and they, in a way, remain first and after everyone else. Every child lives the life that his parents choose for him and for him. And by living it, he functions and adapts as best he can.
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Everyone has the right to become a parent. It goes without saying and is never questioned, right? Deciding to become a parent is, moreover, so encouraged that it is always (and at any cost) OK.
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No one has ever asked anyone why they want children, but, on the other hand, a person who does not want them is faced with countless questions that begin with why. Isn’t it incredible and extremely paradoxical that it is not a question, nor is it important, why someone decides to become a parent? Isn’t it extremely important, if not the most important thing, to understand why we choose something?
I hear about a baby who lives only with his mother because his father is an alcoholic or an abuser, and I feel sorry for him. I see the children of believers who live the life of the church from the earliest days and cannot help but believe.
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I see the son of a friend tattoo an artist dressed always and exclusively in black, playing with skulls, skeletons and miniature coffins – because his mother loves and lives the gothic-punk aesthetic.
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I see a mother who wants to be above binary categorized gender and her son who is alternately dressed in pants and a dress. I see vegans and their children who don’t eat meat, no matter how much they feel like eating it. I feel sorry for those children who simply cannot be carefree and truly free children.
I think about it and wonder how OK it is to deprive a child of the opportunity to choose and impose on him what you think is best for him? Just because you can and you have the opportunity to be a parent.
I see children of single mothers who are their only or favorite company. Sons who are substitutes for departed, abandoned or non-existent partners. I meet children whose parents do not love each other and cheat – who know it. I meet children who mediate between divorced parents, exhausted by the endless triangulation.
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I see parents who cannot afford their children materially much, and their children, who want everything. I also hear (about) a woman, who knows which order, whom the gynecologist, knowing nothing about her, advises to give birth as soon as possible – because she has painful periods, polycystic ovaries or is 30+ years old.
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It seems that you don’t have anyone to be with or you won’t be alone – it’s more important to understand that a child is the best cure for gynecological problems and girl life as such.
I see children of (over)ambitious parents who meet all their expectations and fulfill all their wishes, so they practice at least one sport, play at least one instrument and learn at least one foreign language.
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I see children of extremely withdrawn and closed parents, who hate the very thought of any family gathering or birthday celebration. And, simply, I feel sorry for them.
Relatively often you can hear “A mother is a mother, whatever she is”, “I gave birth to you, I will kill you”, “While you are under my roof, you will do as I say” or “It can’t be because I say so” .
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What does the child learn by listening to these messages? That only the parent knows, has rights, is always right and can own? That a parent loves even when he doesn’t know how or makes a gross mistake in love?
Even today, after two daughters, people are trying to get a son. Even today, after two sons, people do not try to have a daughter. What does that say to those daughters? That they are unequal, insufficient, less good or valuable, because they are not sons and “don’t keep the family name”? That they are not wanted as much as sons, “protectors” and heirs?
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It seems to me that the following is being forgotten and persistently overlooked, so I use the opportunity and the space to remind that it is up to children to be only, only and exclusively – children. It is not up to the child to be (the only) friend, partner or parent to his parent and take care of him, for him and together with him.
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It is not up to the child to be careful about what and how he will say or do in front of his parent, nor to walk around him “like walking on eggs”. It is not up to the child to spare his parent and please him. No child, never and under no circumstances, should persist in winning and earning parental love, commitment and attention.
It’s not up to the child to understand that you don’t have the one you chose to have – time, attention, patience, tenderness, love, money… whatever. No child chose or asked to come to this world, nor every child – just because they are a child – can and wants to be thankful for the conditions and (in)possibility in which they live.
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It is not up to the child to survive, overcome and overcome influences originating from the family. It is not up to him to agree with everything you market to him and choose for and instead of him. It is not up to the child to be scared and in fear and worry. That he perceives you as absent, unreliable, full of misunderstanding or someone who sabotages and manipulates.
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You know, it’s totally OK if you don’t want to or aren’t into children. If you don’t feel that you would be able to give them what you believe they deserve. It’s OK if “just” a partner is enough for you. If you do not see the person you are with in parenting. Unfortunately, there are far more parents than good parents.
The question of parenthood, like any other, is a question of choice. So how do you choose to finish high school or college; get a job in the public, private sector or be your own boss; get married or live out of wedlock, divorce or stay married until death do you part – you also choose whether to become a parent or not.
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Parenthood is not and should by no means be the only and last thing left, what is taken for granted, logically follows and is to come. Before you give birth to someone new, give birth to a new you.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
