He was overcome by fatigue and fell asleep lying on his travel bags. Or rather, sliding off them. His mother persistently tried to keep him in place and “together”, making sure not to wake him up. However, at some point the boy woke up and sat up. She immediately stood between him and the bright light of the bus headlights, continuing to provide him with such conditions for rest.
His head was “falling” and he could barely see. He struggled a lot, but – he didn’t say a word. He didn’t complain, nor did he cry. He didn’t show the slightest impatience. The fact that he was struggling bothered his mother, you could feel it and see it. However, I would also say that she was very grateful for the fact that he is so golden and doesn’t complicate what is already hard and difficult.
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The bus finally arrived and we started to take our seats. The boy and his mother were right in front of me again. He was not the only one, but he was the calmest child. He did not turn around in his place, nor did he get up from his place. He managed to fall asleep. From time to time he would ask his mother: “Mom, can I… when we come?” After she answered yes, he would excitedly say: “I can’t wait!” Just as excited, he flew into the arms of his grandmother, who met at the station at dawn.
None of the passengers felt the boy. He himself must have felt fatigue and exhaustion, even boredom, but, as I said before, he didn’t say a word about it. You would say, a good child, well-behaved and obedient. And it is, but…
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That boy, I realized then, lives with his mother. Maybe also the grandmother who welcomed them. The mother was always patient, gentle and wonderfully gentle with the boy. She addressed him only and exclusively with love. She was petting him. She offered him her wing to sleep on. That mother is obviously very dedicated to taking care of her son. She taught him many useful and good things. Yes, but…
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Looking at that woman and that boy, I thought single motherhood. (I don’t like the expression self-fed.) Looking at the two of them, I remembered many who grew up “only” with their mothers. All those I knew, who didn’t seem to have fathers. All these people, even as children, were very adults – conscientious, responsible, perceptive, considerate, considerate and attentive. They had an ear for the many obligations and difficult moments or days of their mothers.
They were aware of the unenviable nature of her position and tried not to make it more difficult. They were, as I already noted, very grown up. And that, on the one hand, you would say, is very beautiful and commendable. Maybe in some way and in some way it is. But, if we return to the fact that it was about children – we will also return to the fact that it is up to children to be children and enjoy their childhood. Which is very often not the case in the case of children of single mothers.
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It is not about single mothers asking their children to behave in a certain way and to be their allies, collaborators, helpers, friends or even partners. Although, quite often, this is also the case.
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Mom is tired now and needs a rest. Please leave me alone for a while.
It’s enough that my dad axed me, don’t you either.
You have to do something to me now…
Do it to mom, and mom will love you.
Don’t do that, I don’t like it.
Now I need you to be brave and endure.
If they are not direct prohibitions, pleas or requests, then it is about messages like this:
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I help you, so you help me. This is how a good boy/girl behaves.
Love is when we protect and look after each other.
It’s going to hurt/hurt me, but do what you want.
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These messages indirectly tell what is (or is) OK and will, or will not, be accepted and rewarded. In addition, with messages such as the last child, he is introduced to a conflict of loyalty and is placed in a position of choosing between father and mother.
A child who lives only with his mother relies and counts, above all, on her. However, from the same mother, he often hears “what the father is like” and vice versa – the father, on the other hand, equally “opens the child’s eyes” and “exposes” his mother.
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Nevertheless, living with the mother, the child first of all tries to understand and support her because she is the only one he has, essentially. Even when he doesn’t like or is hurt by something she says and/or does. The child needs to feel that he has ensured his safety in the union with the mother.
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Single mothers are often overprotective. They want and feel the need to be both father and mother to their children. That they love them and care for them as much as possible, when their father doesn’t behave like that. They do a lot for their children but also for them. They try to make it easier for them by indulging and conniving. They run in a hundred directions and achieve everything, except to find time for themselves and their emotional life. Precisely for the reason of being torn into a hundred pages, they would say.
However, children are often just an excuse and justification. Both for staying in a bad, dysfunctional marriage, and for renouncing emotional relationships after a divorce. It’s easier to think and believe that in addition to dealing with children, you don’t have time to devote to a possible partner, than to face what really stands in the way of entering into an emotional relationship.
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Overprotective single mothers often give their children too much power. For example, I know women who refused to have a partner after getting married because their children didn’t like the idea, or it was unbearable for them. Then just imagine how strong a parent’s influence on a child is and can be, when one child can have and often has this much power!
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In connection with single motherhood, it is particularly “problematic” that a child who lives only with his mother or has only one mother, has only one model and example of behavior and functioning. He cannot choose, he makes up his own mind and takes something from each parent.
Referencing only one parent, usually the mother, can therefore be quite limiting. Critically absolute and exclusive.
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It can give birth to the mother’s “best friend”, the absence of boundaries between the mother and the child, their excessive attachment, delaying the independence of the child (or sabotaging the process by the mother), dependence on the mother figure, etc. I would say that it is very important to be aware of all this. Especially when considering the decision to enter parenthood independently.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
