Sexuality: insults, “bodycount”, injunctions… These words and behaviors that we no longer want to see in 2025

In the field of sexuality and intimate relationships, which I believe has been experiencing a salutary revolution in recent years, there are still many things that remain stuck like old chewing gum to our collective uses.

Whether it’s words or expressions, preconceived ideas or behaviors, a quick review of everything we want to bury with 2024. Thanks to those who were willing to share their thoughts on this subject, it is once again valuable.

To begin with, the first thing: it is urgent to stop considering that rape is a sexual matter, something that would be a sexual impulse that is impossible to repress. As written here Sarah Irminger from the Viol-Secours association in Geneva, “on the contrary, it is a desire for one person to take power over another (…) during which one or more sexual acts are used as a means of aggression and submission”.

In an article published in Basta!criminologist Loïck Villerbu insists: “Rape is first and foremost an assault. And the aggressor elects the sexual field. It’s too easy to imagine that it’s an orgasm like any other. It is much more difficult to imagine that orgasm is obtained at the cost of the submission of the other. The aggressor first wants to transgress the resistance of the other. He seeks omnipotence and domination. Being considered as an object is what traumatizes the victims the most.”

Taking rape out of the realm of sexuality and taking it for what it is – a crime and an instrument of domination – is crucial, and it is time that it gets into everyone’s minds. This introductory clarification explains that if this article will be crossed by questions of heteronormativity, patriarchy and therefore rape culture, I will not address sexual violence as such.

These words to bury with 2024

Let’s start with the words and expressions that we no longer want to read or hear. Among them, obviously, all the insults which aim to denigrate those whose sexuality does not fit into the expectations of a society which continues to blame sexized people who live their sexuality freely: “slut”, “whore”, ” slut”, “nympho” and other “tease” are to be relegated to the archives. Unless, obviously, if they serve to reverse the stigma. The same, of course, for all LGBTphobic expressions, starting with the still too widespread “fuck you”.

There are other terms which stigmatize more or less indirectly. This is particularly the case of the macabre «bodycount»to designate the number of sexual partners a person has had. Initially, the word, used in the military domain, designates the number of deaths in a conflict or battle. Transposed to sexuality, it is far from trivial. First, the term implicitly associates sexual relations with a form of conquest, violence or domination with the consequence of dehumanizing partners by reducing them to numbers, as if they were trophies.

Then he participates in slut-shaming to negatively judge gendered people with generous sexuality – and, at the same time, by valuing cishetero men. Thus, it contributes to perpetuating a gendered, unequal and moralizing vision of sexuality. Finally, it contributes to the idea that the value of a person could be judged according to the number of their partners… No, really, nothing is wrong with this word which nevertheless flourishes on social networks.

Furthermore, we have already talked about it widely here, it would not be bad if, in 2025, we could get rid of the concepts and words which make penetration the alpha and omega of the intimate relationship, starting with “foreplay » and “virginity”. Along the same lines, Fabien, 41, points out that it is high time “to stop invisibilising, if not stigmatizing, “sides” among gays who only swear by qualifiers “top”, “bottom”, “versa(tile)”as if sodomy was obligatory”.

Finally, since sexual health is also part of sexuality, Quentin, 25, reminds us that it is urgent to stop using the expression “are you clean?” to ask if a person carries STIs, and particularly HIV. This sentence is terrible because it equates those with a sexually transmitted infection with dirt and impurity, when literally anyone can have an STI and there is no shame or guilt to be felt. Additionally, when applied to HIV, the question “are you clean?” denies the effectiveness of TASP, which makes the viral load undetectable and therefore the virus untransmissible. We are swimming in serophobia and crass ignorance.

Attitudes and behaviors to ban

Beyond words and rhetoric, there are attitudes and behaviors. In this register, examples abound. This first concerns all intrusive and inappropriate questions. “I can’t stand these guys anymore who ask me if I use dildos with my girls when I don’t know them”explains Louise, 37 years old. “Fed up with people asking the question “Who makes the man, who makes the woman?” in my relationship »annoys Simon, 33 years old.

For her part, Clara is saturated with all the remarks revolving around her chosen celibacy: “After the age of 30, it feels like a final sprint before expiration during which we are constantly brought back to our ticking biological clock. Leave our uterus alone! We still have ten good years left to find the right one(s), or not have children at all. The life of a thirty-year-old is not just about finding a parent for her kids! On the contrary. 30 is the age when we finally start to know ourselves, to know what we like and what we don’t like. This is the age when we really start to have fun in bed without complexes! Why settle down at all?

Another tendency to judge the intimate, the «kink-shaming» amounts to blaming those who do not have a sexuality that conforms to norms. If there is a lot to say on the subject, I would like to point out one of its major dangers: the guilt of those – and especially those – whose fantasies do not work, while obviously being perfectly legal and based on the consent.

As Ludi Demol Defe and Valérie Rey-Robert opportunely point out in a stand relating to the Mazan trial, the fantasies and practices (real or supposed) of the victim “could have been used to make her feel guilty. When some defense lawyers ask her if she has desires for libertinism or exhibitionism, they reveal that these elements, according to them, would make her responsible for what happened to her. However, this stigmatization of non-normed sexuality endangers all women, including sex workers.”

A different intrusion into intimacy, marriage proposals make Stéphanie, 50 years old, scream: “A marriage is a commitment that is decided between two people. And an egalitarian relationship begins from the moment you meet.” In fact, we have seen too often on the networks in recent years marriage proposals filmed and in public where the woman finds herself with a knife to her throat, pressured by the audience to say yes.

Injunctions and beliefs to forget

There are also injunctions that weigh heavily, notably the idea that sex is the cement of the couple. We talked about it recently here. Stephanie summarizes: “This belief makes lots of people feel guilty and some take advantage of it to put pressure on their spouse.”

Masturbation is also the victim of preconceived ideas: it should be banned when you are in a relationship, or it would indicate frustration or poor harmony in this couple. However, shared sexuality and solo masturbation are two very different things, which coexist and enrich each other.

This theme gives Marjorie, 38, the opportunity to broaden her thinking: “We must stop thinking that as a couple, our partner’s sexuality belongs to us. Let’s accept that the other fantasizes, masturbates, thinks of other people during the act. And let’s talk about exclusivity! It should no longer be something left unsaid, which leads to discomfort and deception, doubts and jealousy, nor something taken for granted for all couples. It must be a discussion and a conscious choice.” I can only confirm!

For her part, Lilith, 39, denounces the injunction to “empowerment through the sex toy”: “That female pleasure and masturbation are political, I agree, but sex toys are a pure product of capitalism whose trade is too often based on the exploitation of the poor and has the aim of enriching men (often white cis straight ). Leave our pussies alone and let us cum as we want, if we want!” On this theme, you can (re)read this article.

Obviously, this list is far from exhaustive. Feel free to write to us to share what you will throw into your bonfire. Until then, have a very happy new year everyone!