Today, as I write this column, says Tracy Cox, my husband will be grocery shopping, making some meals for the freezer (chilly con carne, if you really want to know), picking up some things from the drugstore, fixing the leaky bathroom faucet, and doing laundry. is washed.
She works as a hairdresser, but automatically switches to the traditional ‘woman’ mode on days when there are no scheduled female clients.
We really stand for a fair and just distribution of all the things we need to do to make our lives good and enjoyable.
It doesn’t always work (my computer skills are better) and he asks a lot of questions like, ‘But what tomato?’ but that’s because i am control freak and I go crazy if the tomatoes are not of the right variety.
He’s at least three-quarters ‘doesband’ – the husband who does all the things without asking – and as the journalist who coined the phrase, I know I’m lucky to have him.
Although… why would I feel happy when that’s how things should work in all households.
Why is it unusual to have a husband who carries a fair share of the work on his back?
Journalist Harriet Walker asked this question in The Times.
It sparked a heated debate on Instagram, with women describing their husbands as so ‘useless’ they feel like married single parents.
A TikTok video – now viral – dealt with the same theme. In it, one of New York’s top divorce lawyers talks about how men not carrying their share of the household burden on their backs is the main reason why women file for divorce.
Today’s marriages are not broken by infidelity or fights over sex and money. Men leave women to do the lion’s share of the work in a relationship.
While men may see their wives doing the dishes or doing the housework, many have no idea how much mental effort she puts into making sure things run smoothly in the home.
And things get worse if you’re a woman who earns more than your male partner.
Research in Australia and the US has shown that although women reduce their housework as their earnings increase, this is true only to a certain extent.
Take the test! If you can honestly answer ‘yes’ to most of the questions that apply to you, give him a high five. He gets extra points if he completes each task without being reminded or asked.
Does he take turns with you in waking the children, dressing them and getting them ready for school?
Do you both share bedtime rituals for the kids?
Does he clean out the fridge and throw out expired food?
If he makes lunches for the child, are they thoughtful and healthy?
Does he also keep records of birthdays and important events of those close to you?
Are you both equally responsible for maintaining relationships with friends and family (calling, texting, commenting on social media)?
Do you alternate between planning your Sunday lunches, making a shopping list and shopping online?
Does he put the laundry to wash without asking you to sort it into piles first?
Do you manage your finances together and do you both accept responsibility for paying your bills on time?
Does he come up with the kids’ birthday gift ideas in time for you to buy them?
Does the school have his phone number as well as yours and can they count on you to step in if needed?
Does he sit down just to relax when you do the same?
Is he attuned to your emotional state and offers support without question?
If you suddenly became ill, do you believe that he would be able to step in and manage things without relying on you for guidance?
Once women outstrip their partners in earnings, couples often revert to more traditional gender roles, with women taking on a disproportionate share of housework.
Why?
Women compensate and play the ‘little wife’ at home so that their husbands don’t feel less valuable because they earn less.
Our earning power may have increased, but attitudes towards women earning more than men have not.
“The day I found out I was going to outearn my husband, we had a very delicate conversation to see if he could handle it,” one woman told me. ‘This would never have happened if the roles were reversed.’
That thinking ahead – we should be booking flights now, I need to figure out what to buy Dad for his birthday, I need to check on Natasha because she’s going through a rough patch – is often more stressful than doing the actual work.
“I have to be the one who remembers everything. The one who is organized, above all, who thinks ahead”, one working mother told me.
“All the women I know do this in addition to doing all the childcare and housework and working a job that isn’t limited to 9 to 5. In my next life, I’m coming back as a man. They have an easy ride.’
In the past, the division of labor made sense: the man went out and earned money, the woman stayed at home and took care of the house and children.
But today, in most households, both partners work.
Three out of four mothers were employed in the UK in 2021, reaching the highest level in 20 years.
Yet, according to the ONS, women still do 60 per cent more unpaid work – childcare and housework – than men. The United Nations states that women work more than twice as much.
Women earn more than their male partners in a quarter of all UK households.
However, in Great Britain, 45 percent of breadwinners still do most of the housework.
The average breadwinner spends the equivalent of a full working day taking care of the home in addition to her full-time job.
Because of this, they feel chronically overworked – and their marriages are in jeopardy.
Here’s some encouragement for men to increase their contribution…
Couples in which the husband carries his share of the burden in the relationship report less resentment, more energy, more fun, happier children, and happier marriages than those who do not.
Here’s another thing that study after study shows: households where men do more housework have more sex and rate it as satisfying.
There are no surprises.
Instead of secretly seething because you feel like a slave, women feel respected and valued. These qualities are not often cited as known aphrodisiacs, but trust me, they should be.
“He spends the whole night watching TV and playing on the phone. I spend my time running around and looking at everything and everyone,” one woman complained, echoing the comments of many.
“When we get to bed, he starts sex and seems to say: “Now come and service me”. Not “I want to give you pleasure”.
‘How can he not see that?’
My poll on Instagram is currently 53 percent yes and 47 percent no.
These were some of the comments.
“While I explain everything to him, it’s easier for me to do everything myself. He does an important job, but he can’t figure out how a washing machine works.”
“The bed looks better before he tried to make it than after. I wonder if he does bad things on purpose, so that I don’t ask him to do it again.”
“My husband is flexible and will do almost anything I ask. We have a cleaner, but he will always offer to help me if he sees me doing something around the house. But it’s still up to me to think. Does the garbage can need emptying? Is it time to wash? I’m always the instigator, and then he intervenes.’
“Our friends often make jokes about my husband being “under the slipper” because he is the one who cleans the dishes or does the laundry when we have friends over. We laugh, but I know that while men think “Poor man!”, women are envious and think “Why doesn’t my husband do that?”.
Want to ask for more help, but not sure how? Here’s a step-by-step guide.
Think about his parents. The more conservative his parents, the more likely he was indoctrinated to think how marriage works. Try bringing up the topic of gender division with a group of friends who think more honestly when he’s around.
Make a detailed list of everything you do to keep your lives in order. Spend at least a week putting it together. Not just dishes, cooking and cleaning. Pick up groceries at the last minute, call friends and family, answer messages, make restaurant reservations, buy birthday cards and gifts, search for vacation destinations that accept dogs.
Tell him you need his help to guide your lives. Say, “I’m feeling stressed because I feel like I’m doing most of the housework. Can we talk about making a fairer system?’.
Tell him you’ve made a list of some of the many things you do behind the scenes that you’re sure he’s not aware of. Then show him the list.
Most men are stunned when faced with this. We make it look too easy: a swan gliding on the surface, feet kicking like crazy out of sight.
Faced with the evidence, most immediately offer help. Other men will look at it, say, “None of that takes much time,” and need to be reminded that all these “little jobs” add up to one very big one.
If your partner says, ‘Those are your jobs. I take care of the garden”, answer with “OK. Let’s take a look at how much time per week you spend doing “men’s” work and how much time I spend doing “women’s work”. When you prove your point, say, “Given that we both work full-time, I’m sure you’ll agree that this isn’t fair.”
Divide the list into sections. Social affairs. Homework. Parenting chores, etc. Everyone picks the chores they like to do the most, then split the rest between the two of you.
Be prepared to compromise on standards. Do those pillows really need to be shaken out once a day? Can it be enough that they are cleaned and the coffee table wiped? The trick to solving this isn’t for him to do everything to your standards, but to agree to find a middle ground for what needs to be done to keep you both happy.
Resist the urge to teach. Many men will resent being ‘taught’ how to do what they consider to be a simple task, not realizing that sometimes what looks easy isn’t. It’s usually better to let him do his best first and then correct him if he asks for it.
Reward, don’t criticize. This is how many women shoot themselves in the foot. When their partner does something to help, their response is “You call that making the bed? I knew this would happen. I’d better have done it myself!’. I’m not saying you have to live in total disorganization. But I say stop fretting over the little things.
NEVER rush to ‘do it again’. He’ll think ‘What’s the point of even trying when it’ll never be good enough for her’ and you’re back to square one. If you honestly can’t bear to live with the result, say: ‘Next time, would you mind doing…? It would mean a lot to me if you did it like that.’
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
