Do you get along well with all your colleagues? Are you friends for life and is there never a problem? Then I’m afraid you are playing ostrich politics or suffering from the Pinocchio syndrome. Because if you’re completely honest, I don’t think it’s right. In most cases there is a colleague with whom you get along less well and who even annoys you. Because he is always late, on his phone during a meeting or never completes his task for a project on time, which prevents you from moving forward. Almost everyone who works together has to deal with this.
Addressing someone about their behavior is exciting. It doesn’t matter how much work experience you have or what your position is. We all struggle with it, but prefer not to talk about it. Our own bar is the benchmark for others. Still, and this is important to remember:
Saying nothing is the same as agreeing.
You tacitly allow behavior that may not be acceptable. Time to break that pattern!
The five big frustrations in teams
If you work in a team, you probably immediately recognize these five annoyances:
- Lack of trust: Without trust, you stick to pleasantries and avoid difficult conversations. You kindly say ‘good morning’, but in the meantime it is not a good morning for you at all.
- Fear of confrontation: we see a problem, but do not dare to raise it. Because imagine if things get out of hand and end in a fight…
- Lack of involvement: without involvement, no one really makes an effort to find good solutions.
- Avoiding responsibilities: if no one is addressed, who will take the lead? Exactly, no one.
- Too little attention to results: everyone is busy on their own island and the team goal is disappearing from view. Dot on the horizon? Nowhere to be seen.
Why do we speak to each other so little?
In the book To address? Just do it! Gytha Heins (affiliate) describes in a very clear way how to best address someone and why we find that so difficult. The reason that speaking up is so uncomfortable runs deep. It is not just about the situation, but often also about underlying fears and insecurity. We don’t want to come across as incompetent or disruptive. This leads to a kind of subcutaneous discomfort that we would rather avoid. There are five reasons why we often hesitate:
1. We don’t feel safe
We fear that we will look stupid when we ask questions, or negative when we criticize. This creates a culture in which giving and receiving feedback feels like a dangerous undertaking.
2. We deny our fear
Much of our behavior is driven by fear, even though we often don’t realize it. We fear the consequences of speaking out, such as a conflict or someone feeling hurt.
3. We don’t like delivering bad news
It’s not a nice feeling to have to tell someone that they’re doing something wrong. We want to limit loss of face for ourselves and others.
4. We focus on the short term
It feels easier to postpone the conversation. But as is often the case, the long-term consequences are much greater.
5. We want to belong
We want to maintain harmony and remain part of the group. So we prefer not to speak to someone, even if it hurts inside.
Still appealing: why it is important
What happens if you do speak up?
- Good communication leads to better performance.
- Teams in which mistakes are openly discussed perform demonstrably better.
- If we can eliminate ineffective behavior from the workplace, productivity could increase by as much as 28%.
- Negative people have a much greater effect on one team than positive people. One negative comment carries four to seven times more weight than a positive one.
Not convinced yet? The author describes a good exercise to realize the usefulness and necessity of addressing people. Imagine how much better it would be if that negative person stopped their behavior. What would your working day look like?
As a manager, but also as a colleague and employee, it is your responsibility to develop an open approach culture. Actively ask what you need to do your job well, and make sure you address others about what they contribute. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but as Martin Luther King said:
Ultimately, we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Time for self-reflection
Before you speak to someone, it is important to look at yourself. Have you communicated your agreements clearly? Are the expectations clear? If not, you may be the first to be addressed. Ask yourself three questions:
- What is my assumption about the other person’s intention?
Sometimes we project our own thoughts onto someone else without really knowing what he or she means. - What have I done that contributes to the other person’s behavior?
Behavior is a reaction, and sometimes you may have done something that caused the other person to react that way. - Why does this behavior irritate me?
Our irritation often says more about ourselves than about others. Where does your irritation come from?
Address: do it well
Now that you understand your own motivations, it’s time to take action. But how?
- Do it quickly: the longer you wait, the greater the chance of escalation.
- Prepare well: make sure you are clear about what you want to say.
- Request permission for feedback: “Are you open to some feedback?” This question makes it easier for the other person to respond.
- Pay attention to your non-verbal communication: eye contact and open body language work wonders. This certainly does not happen automatically, because it happens unconsciously. But you can train this and teach yourself different behavior.
- Be direct and honest: don’t beat around the bush. For example, say: “I have a difficult message and want to be open about it.”
What you should especially not do
Some approaches are counterproductive and can actually make the problem worse. Gytha Heins mentions a lot of examples in the book, including these:
- Don’t hide behind your position: speak from yourself, not from your role.
- Do not use absolute terms such as ‘always’ or ‘never’: this makes people defensive.
- Don’t wrap your message in compliments: people see through this trick. Just be honest.
- Don’t act as if you have to, but because you want to: say, “I want to say something about this,” not, “I need to report this.”
Just do it
The key to a successful accountability culture is to simply start. Creating a psychologically safe environment in which mistakes can be made is necessary. As a manager, you set a good example by being vulnerable yourself. Actively ask for feedback and openly share what you have learned and what you find difficult. This encourages others to do the same.
To address? Just do it!” is a practical guide that helps everyone in a team navigate difficult conversations. Gytha Heins clearly explains why speaking up is so difficult and offers concrete tools for effective communication with colleagues. Important tips include:
- Request permission for feedback
- Prepare well
- Be direct and honest
- Pay attention to your non-verbal communication
- In addition, self-reflection is essential; ask yourself questions about your own assumptions and behavior
The book is useful for every employee who wants to create an open culture: from team member to line manager and from HR professional to board member. After reading this book, you will see that it teaches you to view uncomfortable conversations as opportunities for growth.
A new way of thinking: from darts to puzzling
Don’t see addressing colleagues as playing darts, trying to hit the target. Think more of a puzzle, where you look together for the missing pieces. Addressing is not an attack, but a search for verb
thing you have to do together.
So, do you want to address someone about their behavior? Then start with yourself. Understand why it is so difficult, prepare well and then: just do it! You will be amazed at what it will bring you and your organization.
Source: www.frankwatching.com
