This week, British sex expert Tracy Cox debunks common myths about infidelity for the UK’s DailyMail.
Infidelity is often viewed through overly simplistic lenses: men cheat for sex, women cheat for emotional fulfillment.
While it’s true that men are the most opportunistic sex—put them in a situation where they think they can get away with cheating, and they will—women aren’t immune to some hot sex and attention either.
A recent study aimed to test the many debated hypotheses about why women cheat and came up with six main motivators.
Some might surprise you.
“He neither sees me nor hears me. I am part of the furniture: something he assumes will always be there. I think he loves me, but it’s an unsatisfying kind of love. I don’t just want to feel loved, I want to be wanted. I was ripe for an affair and I feel no guilt for enjoying it.’
The most common reason for infidelity by women is feeling unhappiness in the relationship: almost 65 percent of women in the study (conducted in the UK and Australia) cited this as a reason for going astray. Only 31 percent of men cited dissatisfaction as their primary motivation for seeking sex outside of a relationship.
The second most common motivation for women to cheat is a feeling of emotional abandonment. Women are four times more likely to cheat for this reason: only five percent of men cheat if they think their partner doesn’t like them.
This is true: men cheat most often when their physical needs are not met, women most often cheat when their emotional needs are not met. Emotional connection is key for us. Deprived of that, we look elsewhere for validation and affection.
REVENGE
“I found a series of text messages that felt like death by a thousand stitches. I don’t want a divorce because I love my husband and children. I didn’t confront him for that reason. Instead, I took great pleasure in sleeping with a man from work. Only I know my secret, but it helps me live with his betrayal.”
I know a lot of women who checked this box. A surprising number of women cheat only as an act of revenge: they did it because their partner did it to them.
It’s not just about evening the score: it’s about reclaiming a sense of agency and dignity in a relationship that feels unfair. It may not be the most sensible course of action, but it’s hard to resist the urge to hurt your partner in the same way we’ve been hurt.
Again, this is not a common motivator for men. Only three percent said they cheated because their partner did it too.
TO RECOVER THE POWER IN THE RELATIONSHIP
“He makes most of the money and decides what we spend it on.” Almost all the big decisions are made by him: I often feel like I don’t have any rights. A little secret spending and sex with my ex reminds me that he can’t control everything about me.’
Feeling powerless or marginalized is not a nice feeling and cheating can be a way to regain control.
In relationships marked by emotional or psychological imbalances, an affair is a way to regain a sense of control. It is especially common when the partner is too dominant or controlling. If you’re too scared to confront them directly, the next best thing is to do something sneaky behind their back to make yourself feel better.
THEY DO NOT FEEL SEXUALLY SATISFIED
“I gave up trying to teach my partner how to give me an orgasm.” He is so sensitive and overly anxious about any criticism, that I don’t have the heart to tell him how far off the mark he is. My affair is purely sexual. I have no problem separating love and sex and I never have.’
This is the one area where both sexes agree: if you don’t have good, regular sex at home, you’re more likely to get it elsewhere.
Almost nine percent of women said this was the reason why they strayed, and 10 percent of men agreed.
Sex may be fourth on the list of motivators for women in the study, but we’re still susceptible to being seduced if sex with our partner is boring and unsatisfying.
WANTS SOMETHING ‘JUST FOR ME’
“Are they somewhere tattooed at birth that men can sit back and watch women do all the housework?” That we are the ones who remember to send birthday cards, check on elderly parents, follow up on friends?
My affair is the only thing in my life that is purely for my pleasure, and I don’t have to be just a wife, mother, daughter or sister.”
Most women work these days. Most women these days still do most of the housework and additional household chores.
The constant stress of juggling career, motherhood, work and other responsibilities leaves many women feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed. Some go to spas for some ‘me time’, others go to meet their lover to escape the pressure.
“It’s something that’s just for me,” is a statement that therapists often hear from women who are forced to justify why they left their marriage.
BORED AND LONGING FOR EXCITEMENT
“There is nothing wrong with my relationship, but I have been with the same person for 24 years. We both know everything there is to know about each other. I’m not stupid. I know that’s the nature of a long-term relationship and starting over won’t solve anything because I’ll still end up in this place. Getting a little sidetracked now and then keeps things lively and makes life more interesting.’
It’s the reason least likely to get any kind of sympathy, but also the one most of us will relate to.
Monogamy may offer security and companionship, but people desensitize quickly, and even in good relationships there are periods when life seems, well, monotonous.
Almost eight percent of women said they only cheated because they were bored; another five percent said they did it because they wanted something new.
Men also cheat when they’re bored (almost six percent), but they’re twice as likely to cheat because of the novelty (almost 11 percent).
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
