The other day, I watched a video in which one of our actresses in the role of (dear) Saveta answered the question of why men are afraid of strong women and said: “Who told you that men are afraid of strong women? No, he won’t be with you!” and “Who is afraid of the one he likes? As soon as he’s afraid of you, he doesn’t like you.”
Inspired by the previous work with (strong) girls and women, young men and men, as well as the media reflections and caricatures of this topic, I decided to make my contribution. Ready?
Common sense and logically speaking, you would think that you don’t like someone who just suddenly disappeared after the first or few meetings with you. And it is very possible that it is so – something, for him, is negative for him zaparalo ears, lit up for the eye or barely managed to stay on tip of the tongue.
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As in one of the episodes of the “Sex and the City” series, Burger briefly and clearly told Miranda: “He`s just not that into you.” It turned out, however, that in that specific case he was wrong because, of course, there are always exceptions.
However, hoping and counting on an exception to the rule can be dangerous because it is very, very often a symptom of self-delusion. It goes without saying that a man who doesn’t answer or doesn’t answer less, doesn’t find time or makes excuses, stops trying or doesn’t start at all – he doesn’t want to be with you. For one reason or another, for their own reasons.
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Counseling and psychotherapy work always means working on the relationship with yourself and with yourself/others. Stagnation, crisis or “breakdown” is always in a relationship. When I look back on the experience of working with female clients in love problems, I see that at the time of reaching out for support and help, they were alone for a long time, or in bad relationships and marriages, or interested in someone busy, or in a relationship with someone busy or in, who knows which in turn, returning the verified unsuitable ex-partner.
The clients’ love struggles were no less intense, but they were less varied – men, for the most part, felt they couldn’t be with the women they secretly fantasized about being with. The dream women were completely different from those they were with – self-confident and sure of themselves, independent and independent, richly educated and ambitious.
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They felt that they could not do with them the way they could do with those they were with. The dreamers, they assumed, would react to what bothers them or doesn’t suit them, they would clearly set boundaries and stand up for themselves, they wouldn’t be silent or put up with how and how much their partners were chosen. Those who do not know what and how to deal with it – choose not to choose it. So that it wouldn’t be seen that they can’t. So that they don’t turn out to be “weak”.
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If we talk about the origin and the first causes of opting for submissive, patient, “patient” and “tolerant” partners, without voice and communicated attitudes, opinions, desires, needs or expectations, we come to the family and the realization of numerous similarities between these women, chosen partners and mothers of the men who chose them.
When you realize that you can’t do it anymore, you stop to see if and how it can be done differently.
Women around whom they can be “real” fist-to-the-hundred men unhindered. Such a man will not choose a feminist for himself, for example. Not by accident, and certainly not on purpose.
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Moreover, he will completely misunderstand feminism (because it suits him, too) and equate it with hatred of men. By the way, when it comes to feminism in our environment and culture, the question is how things are actually are: are many men (out of ignorance) really afraid of feminists or do they really dislike them (with all the knowledge they have about feminism)?
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If you ask me, the second one is much more dangerous. Because fear can be dealt with somehow, even quite easily. With deep-rooted and even deeper wrong beliefs and convictions – much, much harder.
It’s okay and it goes without saying that it’s not enough for a harmonious and lasting happiness, however, it’s as if it’s not even needed anymore. Many, above all, strive to never and under no circumstances be alone and, guided by such a desire, it is understandable – they agree to anything and everything.
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Quite a long time. Proponents of the thesis that “anything is better than nothing” but, when you hear the stories they tell, see how they are and understand how much they suffer and their physical health – it is clear to you that it is not worth it. They argue to the point of insanity over one and the same things, or they don’t talk at all. They ignore the lack of physical and sexual intimacy.
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They are mistaken. They go round and round in a thousand and one ways, refusing to even think about breaking up. They are content with having “someone” and “someone to live with”. They even believe that they are better off where they are than in some new and unknown, who knows what kind of place. Thus, before liking, compatibility and love, one asks and looks at who is how old, whether they are dragging what kind of “tails” behind them (in the worst case – a woman with small children), how well-fitting and easy it is to live as a couple or function in casual relationship.
Not everyone has the opportunity, nor are they capable of changing partners frequently. Nor will everyone in this world find the right one or the right one and have children. Just as not everyone will enter or graduate from an enrolled university. Otherwise, everyone would have everything and there would be no problems, which is not the case. You need to look at yourself realistically and be aware of your limits and (in)ability. To avoid underestimating, but also overestimating yourself.
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In the relationships of those I worked with, there was usually much more bad than good. There were so many of them that sooner or later the question arose as to how these people are still together, despite the fact that it is the way it is. Moreover, some of those couples seem to be morality to be together. Starting from themselves and their beliefs about love, they certainly thought and felt that way.
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Collecting bad experiences and staying in them is better than nothing. Good is just good. And that’s the only thing that’s worth and really counts.
Speaking of differences in strength and power, I would say that numerous experiences of others show that couples in which the woman is “strong” and the man is “weaker” work well and last harmoniously, as well as relationships between equally “weak” partners.
I would not like and have no wish for this to be misunderstood and misunderstood, and I would like to underline that by “strong(a)” and “weak(a)” I mean what is meant on average in society, not only ours.
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So it doesn’t mean that for me it is something a sign of strength or weakness. It doesn’t mean that I consider any of it a weakness, but rather the opposite in relation to greater development or the presence of the same feature, characteristic or trait.
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Therefore, in the light and context of this topic and the social understanding of it, and for the needs of a more plastic understanding of what is written, conditionally speaking, the “weaker” is the one in the couple who is younger, less educated, materially threatened or dependent, more passive, more withdrawn, calmer, quieter, less self-confident etc. Two such grow together. Not only literally, in case they are young, but also essentially – they grow and develop as individuals and, thanks to the support and understanding of the other, similar to themselves, they outgrow their boundaries and previously set frameworks.
They are very focused on each other and do a lot together. Often quite distant from everything else and everyone else, but – satisfied with such a set of things. And that’s OK. On the other hand, two strong ones compete very often. Sooner or later the question arises as to who is stronger, better, more successful… One feels threatened by the other, one catches up with the other or tries to overtake him, one envies the other, more or less openly, etc. Before all that, two very strong people see each other very little. In this, as in the competition, one wins one place and the other another.
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The most important thing for her is that she is with whom she wants and wants to be, and she considers it a facilitating circumstance that she does not have to think about money and see how much he has or can afford. She is impressed by the place she is in life, she is impressed by him and, of course, the fact that he knows, can and wants to be with a woman like her, while others are afraid of her, speaks very positively about him.
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On the other hand, in a relationship in which he is the one who has everything while she has very little or, to put it conditionally, “nothing” – in an ill-intentioned, even toxic way, he begins to question what and how much she does, and how much “something” or “nothing” is worth. A strong man in a relationship with a weak woman often manipulates, belittles, belittles, belittles, blackmails and in many different ways contributes to making the woman feel even worse about her position.
Moreover, a “weak” woman often becomes a victim of a “strong” man. And many men, I would say, know how to be “strong” only with weaker ones. It’s that easy, let’s be equal!
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If so and you are that, really strong woman – don’t fall for his fear. Don’t think it’s up to you to help him get over it and get rid of it. Do not wait for the moment of his willingness and readiness for a relationship with you. Be with the one who will be happy to be with you, as you are.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
