Who are you to me – and who am I to you?

Interpersonal relations: Who are you to me – and who am I to you?

You know when you see a person and immediately like them? There is something there, there is something there. It’s something you’re familiar with – whether it’s the way someone smiles, the way they look at you, the way they dress, or they have the same crooked teeth as Milica from 3A that you fell in love with, or they have the same dimples in their cheeks as Marko, or but he has the same behaviors as your parents. It’s called something transfer. You may have heard about football transfers, but let’s now introduce psychological transfers. And we also have counter transfers. And we also have projections. We will talk about that laterem text.

It says: Edit Vereš, industrial organizationby master psychologist and integrativna psychotherapist under areinspection

What are transfers and where do they come from in the story of interpersonal relationships?

Transfers are the key to our relationships. We transfer our past experiences with other people into new relationships and thus color them. We do not really see a person, but our summarized previous experiences. We have positive and negative transfers. They are expressed through falling in love, mistrust, repulsion, glorification, hatred, addiction, emotionsannual charge.

How are they created and how?about to them?

The first transfers arise in interaction with parents. What happens then? In the relationship with them, if we experienced pain, it activated the defense mechanisms of dissociation, pushed the experience into the subconscious, where the basis of all future transfers arises. If we had positive experiences, we integrate them as an extremely intense experience in the relationship, which has a high emotional charge. Also, he goes to ours subconscious.

Experience, whether positive or negative, if not resolved, goes into the box of our subconscious memory and generalizes. What does it look like in practice? If we had a mother who had an extremely sharp look with black eyes, when someone else looks at us like that – it will awaken all the feelings we had when our mother looked at us. We will connect it with our experience and we will be convinced that that person wanted to reprimand us with that look, for example. Maybe that person didn’t want to give a reproachful look at all, but, for example, a bird flew over her head and, as she raised her head, the sun shone into her eyes. We “read” one thing, but the message was sent in a different context. This is where you reach the famous forest in Komuniqueness.

Transferences come with a strong reaction – in people where there was a lot of hurt in relationships, the fight/flight/freeze reaction is activated. How it looks in practice, let’s remember that woman with the look. When we interpret her look as a reprimand, and mom often punished us afterwards in some ways (by avoiding, banning, violence, etc.), we expect it to happen again and we can freeze from discomfort and stay buried, we can start to we argue with the person: “How are you looking at me?! / What do you want?!”, or to just leave the contact or invent a reason to leave. In this way, we “save” ourselves from the unpleasant emotional experiences.

A contratransfer?

Countertransference is when a woman with a look thinks: “Look, this is how my father attacked me when I was little. How ill-mannered and rude he is! Now I will show him!” – then we enter a negative countertransference. It’s the same with the positive – someone likes you and you start to like him too, which very often becomes the basis for evil.bleating.

“Everything that is wrong in the world – it’s in me” – Therl G. Jung

Today we often hear the term “projection”, “you project it on me”: Fr what withwhat does he do there?

Projection is one of the better known defense mechanisms, where we stick our unacceptable feelings or traits onto another person. Let’s go through an example as well. If we feel angry, but we cannot accept our anger, then we think that the other person is angry and then we can often ask the question “Are you angry?”, or get frustrated and leave to get away from that person. persons. Basically, we move away from our unprocessed anger, because, most likely, we were not allowed to be angry during childhood, because, for example, “good girls don’t get angry.” Likewise, we have an example in the Balkan upbringing in the other direction, where boys were not allowed to be sad, because “boys don’t cry”, and that we have the same situation as with anger, that is, we think that someone is sad. We can also give an example of pride, stinginess, causticness, and even charisma. If we have not integrated and accepted our beautiful and positive qualities, we can stick them on other people and consider them Mrenial.

We all have it, in fact, in which je problem?

The problem arises when we do not really experience the person across from us, but stick a distorted image of him based on old experiences. In this way, we try to complete or resolve a subconscious highly emotionally colored situation with a new person and, in essence, we do not have a relationship with him, but with our own experiences. And then we are not in real contact with a friendabout people.

Noand do?

The first step is to become aware of transfers. I would like to go through the example again with the woman with a “repentant” view. If we look at that woman and feel a strong physical reaction, she triggers the flight/fight/freeze reaction in us – now, when we know that it is a transference reaction, we ask ourselves who that look reminds us of, and we can tell the person that we have noticed something and that we want to check if this is really so. Of course, there are situations where someone really looked at you like that. But if we certainly reacted violently, there is an untold story underneath and it is needed investigate.

By working through the situations that led us to the transfer – they themselves cease to exist, because their story has ended. The same is the case with countertransference and projections, we can notice, identify and see that there is a choice of reaction: you can react as you did before or choose a more functional reaction. These can be great topics for the psychotherapeutic process. It is important to ask yourself if this is mine or if this is yours. And then we come to the title Who are you to me and who am I to you?. And for that you need to know yourself. No masks, no defense mechanisms, no shields/helmets and no fear of seeing who you really are. It is not an easy process, but it is liberating and makes it easier to live a full life lungs.

Source: BIZLife

Photo: Freepik