We know that love is a very important aspect of life, but the search for it is often a mission impossible. We go from relationship to relationship or try to patch up relationships in which we are not satisfied because we think it will be difficult to find what we are looking for. Sometimes toxicity is better than being alone.
Many times in my work with female clients, I hear that they consciously choose emotionally unavailable partners because they experience magic with them.
Or..when there is no magic, then there is no relationship. I wonder what the magic is that we are looking for and whether it can be constant in a relationship?
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Magic actually arises due to the novelty, and the novelty later brings excitement, attraction, unexploredness and obspija (bombardment in toxic relationships) with love from the beginning of the relationship.
These are the basic elements of magic or thrill, which from the beginning creates that very pleasant feeling and love fix, whose function is to make us fall in love and connect with a person. The key to all this is the novelty, which, due to its unexplored nature, is interesting to us as such and arouses excitement within us.
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Of course, the novelty cannot last long and as such it evaporates and some other factors of personality and shared values come into play, which if the person is available enough, grows into love and thus the relationship is maintained.
In a healthy love relationship, the magic returns, but temporarily and briefly, and the basis is a love that is calm and stable. For some, peace and stability do not seem attractive and they find it boring. As a result, they often choose unavailable and sometimes toxic partners with whom they constantly experience roller coasters of emotions.
Here are some possible explanations.
The frequent resistance I meet with clients is in the form of sentences: “But I’ve tried everything and it doesn’t work” and “How can I be with someone just because he’s a good guy, a good woman?”
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First, have you really tried everything, second, if we try everything, it takes some time for our attempts to bear fruit, and third, we should not be with someone just because he is good on paper. We need to choose from people who are emotionally adequate those who are attractive, good and important to us, and then to accept that we cannot have everything, but to prioritize our criteria.
Showing, expressing, verbalizing, receiving and giving even in early relationships with parents.
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It often happens that parents were not constant and consistent in their expression of love and satisfaction of our needs, so we are so often used to emotional swings, when someone cools us and that we deserve and experience love on a spoon.
After that, we constantly associate it with incompatibility, boredom, fatigue and are used to emotional driving.
Because of this, we tend to idealize and develop our fantasies, as an escape from reality, ourselves. We learned to sacrifice, to deserve, to fight constantly for love.
We have a hard time facing the harsh reality that love is built, that not all people have good intentions…
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It’s as if we’re constantly running away to some fairy tale of ours, expecting it to come true, while ignoring the real signals. We have a problem with accepting life and growing up as such. Our childish part is working, fantasizing and maintaining our fantasies…but life is not a story from 1001 nights.
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It can be, but not all the time. Now…it’s up to us whether we accept it or not. For many, it is a point of stagnation that they never cross and they keep entering into unhappy loves. If we keep repeating similar patterns, let’s ask ourselves why? What is our role in this?
Love is associated with sacrifice and suffering. And in accordance with that, it happens that we endure relationships in which we have to make sacrifices, and those in which there is none we perceive as boring, bland…they lack something.
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This group also includes people who are emotionally dependent and tend to constantly maintain this dependence.
It arose as a result of some kind of unpleasant experience we had and in some way consciously choosing people with whom the relationship will not last.
In a way, this is still an unhealed wound from the past that needs to be dealt with.
It is important to note that intimacy and closeness is an experience of being seen and understood by someone. In the process, we expose ourselves, expose ourselves to the other person, and expose our own vulnerability.
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In order to experience the process of intimacy more easily, we can, for example, let someone into our vicinity and be as honest and transparent as possible (only honesty builds trust and relationship), hug with a loved one as often as possible, consider what we need and what in general, someone else can give us (a partner cannot be a substitute for a parent, best friend, shopping companion and lover, there are so few roles for one person), to touch a person deeply and to sit together in silence with someone (constant talking communication is not necessary).
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In-depth resolution is done by becoming aware of and accepting reality and what you can get, choosing emotionally adequate partners and sometimes being aware of “suffering” from the beginning that this less interesting, less stormy and magical relationship is actually an introduction to one love, and not to an emotionally toxic one. relationship.
We should accept this as a process and give ourselves time to redefine the concept of love and part with our own image of the relationship we had until then.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
