Vacation debates can seem like swimming in the pool or visiting a museum versus hiking. But in reality, they relate to our need for both intimacy and independence. Both partners want to feel deeply connected, but they need to connect in their own way.
What does your vacation drama say about your relationship? Why do couples fight on vacation? Does that mean it’s not a healthy relationship? How to make your trip fun instead of turning it into a domino of disappointments?
Whether it’s a long-awaited vacation, a weekend getaway or a vacation to visit family – with or without children – this article is for you.
Traveling together can be a great boost to your relationship. They have the potential to bring novelty, new experiences, excitement and adventure. They increase healthy hormones in your body and—combined with a relaxed state of mind—create space to rekindle intimacy, passion, and romance.
There can be many different reasons, and some of the most basic and common (although not always obvious) are lack of sleep and stress. Some people get grumpy and impatient when they’re sleep-deprived, others get really stressed out when planning trips—especially if travel-related tasks and responsibilities aren’t evenly distributed.
It could also be about the destination — being stuck in traffic for hours on your way to visit parents you’re not particularly close to will put you in a very different mood than sipping champagne on a flight to the Maldives.
Obviously there’s more to it, such as patterns of behavior about how much you both need to be in control when making decisions—and how you both deal with conflict. The fight may not be worth it at all, but you may still fall for it out of habit or childhood conditioning.
Whatever the reason, here are some valuable tips on how to avoid arguments and arguments while traveling — especially if you have kids.
Don’t just rely on your vacations to spend quality time with your partner — especially if your kids, parents, or even good friends are involved.
Maybe there are too many people with too many opinions about what you should eat for dinner. Or should you go to that art museum, go for a walk or relax on the beach.
Expectations for an amazing trip are higher, the more strenuous your daily routine is. But what often happens is that the holidays can be even more stressful than your normal life, because you can’t send the kids to daycare, the babysitter isn’t there to help, and you can’t escape the chaos of it all by going to the office.
When your children are around, you automatically change roles. There is a parental side to you and a lover side, but the former will always be dominant if you have your offspring around. It’s just nature.
It’s a bit counterproductive to expect a romantic vacation when traveling with kids—obviously, some romantic moments could potentially happen—but it’s safer to focus on quality family time.
So tip #1 is to actually separate family and friend time from your romantic getaways — and plan them in shorter intervals throughout the year.
Take each other on dates at least once a month. This might involve hiring a babysitter for the evening or asking a friend for help, but it’s absolutely crucial that you continue to reconnect as lovers on a regular basis.
Even when you don’t have kids with you and aren’t visiting anyone’s parents – if your mind is still in work mode, you’re much more likely to be stressed, overwhelmed, and end up fighting with each other.
In fact, research conducted by consulting firm Korn Ferri shows that the habit of checking work emails and work while on vacation is what couples argue about the most while away!
But let’s say you’re able to stop yourself from checking your inbox—but your mind is still swirling around those work-related problems and responsibilities. My advice would be to be honest with your partner.
Tell them it’s hard for you to switch off. Tell them why. Thank them for their patience while you try. Identify the elephant in the room before it turns into a whole zoo. Be vulnerable with each other.
And then you could also…
Get those endorphins going and they’re sure to add to your sexy vibes. Always try to find time to research your destinations and book fun experiences in advance. Ideally, something that will stimulate all your senses, get you out of your heads and back into your bodies.
Airbnb experiences are usually a great source of inspiration.
One of the best practices for stepping out of your comfort zone is to book a professional photographer for a fun, romantic photo shoot. That way, you return home with a stunning set of digitized memories, which you later turn into a physical album. In addition, you discover unique places that a tourist would never do alone because local photographers are some of the best guides.
Seriously, it’s a win-win.
…especially if you are not calm yourself. First of all, talk!
If your partner is grumpy, irritated or venting – and you can still calm down – try to give him space. Obviously, we’re not talking about situations where they come down on you – that’s a different scenario.
Never accept bullying as normal behavior.
But if they are clearly overwhelmed and upset, try to approach them with compassion. Sometimes it’s enough to let them get it out of their system. Other times it’s helpful to hold their hand or give them a hug – you may not always like it that way, but trust me, it changes the atmosphere.
If it continues, you can ask questions such as:
“Please help me better understand what is happening.
Why does this annoy you? Why is this important?”
Remember that your tone of voice is key here – don’t sound sarcastic or patronizing. That would be counterproductive and harmful.
Finally, during your heated discussions, it’s better not to raise your voice, call your partners names, or tell them to “act like their mom/dad.” Giving the silent treatment may not be the most constructive approach either.
Instead…
What is conflict style? It is the way you react, behave and the language you use when tension arises – whether you do it consciously or subconsciously. This explains why you clash or why you both react differently to the same situation.
When you recognize your language in heated situations, you can better understand yourself and each other.
There are different schools of thought here, but in my therapy room I talk about two dominant conflict styles, closely related to two animal archetypes:
Golden Rule #2 is to understand your animal archetype, your conflict style, and your partner’s style.
It changes life. Trust me. I was in the same situation.
Source: www.sitoireseto.com
