It is the law of life, but we are never really prepared when our elderly parents die. Above all, if we have been lucky enough to have enjoyed them for many years. As David Kessler, an expert in palliative care and grief, and co-author with psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, says of Life Lessonsparents are the first relationship we have and it is distressing when we have to say goodbye to them. “And when they are older, and you do the math, you realize that you have lived with them almost all your life.”
For this reason, it is said to be one of the longest relationships. Losing them means much more than the physical absence. With them, the last witnesses of our childhood disappear as a symbolic anchor that connects with childhood, the values learned and our own identity, as extracted from the article Losses and their griefby Iosu Cabodevilla, psychotherapist of the Palliative Care Unit of the San Juan de Dios Hospital from Pamplona. They are the ones who kept memories of our lives that, with their departure, also leave.
My mother was the historical memory of my life and I am aware that there are things that, now that she is gone, will fall into the well of oblivion.
According to the document, the memories of a significant relationship will not be lost, nor will we be able to eliminate those people who have been close to us and from our own history, such as parents. Additionally, for many adults, parents are a constant reminder of their roots, where they come from, and where they are going.
Precisely for this reason, Joan-Vicent Hernández, a 68-year-old retired journalist and writer, born in Beneixama, Alicante, wanted to record some of the anecdotes and stories that his mother, Teresa, told before she died at almost 102 years old. He recorded some conversations with her, as interviews. “It was the historical memory of my life and I am aware that there are things that, now that it is gone, will fall into the well of oblivion, and I am going to ignore many things that would have interested me,” says Joan-Vicent.
Mixed emotions
In general, psychologists describe some phases of grief, although this does not mean that all people have to go through it all or in the same order: the initial shock, denial, anger, sadness until finally reaching acceptance are the most highlighted.
But when we say goodbye to the parents, other emotions appear that, sometimes, remain installed, such as frustration or guilt, “from thinking about what could have been done,” reflects psychologist Pilar Gil Díaz, director of the Therapy and Therapy center. Emotion Psychologists, from Madrid, who understand that “knowing that you will never see that person so dear to you again is very powerful and leaves an empty feeling, difficult to fill with anything.”
If the children have been very close to the parents or have been caregivers for a while, the ties are very fused (…). Existential anguish occurs and something of one’s identity may even be lost.
Saying goodbye to those who gave us life not only means saying goodbye to them, but also facing an emotional reality that many do not anticipate. The psychologist focuses on this emotional hurricane. “Sadness in these cases, for example, is very strong and significant, although it always depends on the relationship that has been had. If the children have been very close to the parents or have been caregivers for a while, the ties are very fused and the loss hurts more, dependency is generated, existential anguish occurs and some identity may even be lost.”
Galician businesswoman Patricia García (55 years old) recognizes that her mother left a huge void when she died at 79. “We had a close relationship because we worked together and got along very well. His loss was due to a sudden illness, with which I suffered before and after. She was not only my mother, but also my co-worker, friend, and a sweetheart of a person. When she passed away I felt aimless and I miss her so much every day.”
She was not only my mother, but also my co-worker, friend. When he passed away, I felt aimless.
Patricia’s father died two years ago at the age of 98. “She had already had cognitive impairment for several years. His quality of life was deteriorating more and more and that was not what he wanted for him. For this reason, I experienced his death in a different way, calmer and lighter,” he tells La Vanguardia.
Pilar Gil explains that the death of parents can also cause a certain liberation and that does not mean that they are loved less. Sometimes, it’s just to not see them suffer anymore. The expert maintains that “few people allow themselves to connect with that relief: ‘How am I going to feel free because my mother and father have died?’ some children ask themselves.”
The feeling of orphanhood, the greatest emptiness
The psychologist maintains that “grief is one of the traumatic situations most present in all people. There are those who come to therapy for the loss of a father, but they are really bursting into tears because of the previous grief, that of their mother, which they have not resolved in time. Or to see that they have lost both.”
Even those who have already assumed family roles such as grandparents or pillars of their own families may feel vulnerable and alone in the definitive absence of those who were their guides. Age doesn’t matter. Deep down, that boy or girl who likes to go to their parents to feel protected continues to live. But when they leave, that option disappears forever. “People understand that what is called family is that of origin, so when parents leave, they feel alone, without guides to follow, without references with a feeling of orphanhood,” says the expert, who emphasizes that The feeling of now being called orphans weighs heavily and perhaps the children remain attached to the idea that “no one can replace their mother’s affectionate hug.”
There are grief groups that can help you overcome losses.
Carlos Nahas, 57 years old, a lawyer living in Madrid, experiences this orphanhood with mixed feelings. “On the one hand, resignation of not being able to change the inevitable facts of life and, on the other, with the hope that one day I can meet them, wherever they are.”
Carlos is an only child, his father died at the age of 75, due to medical malpractice, which for him was a shock. No less so was the death of his mother who, at the age of 81, died suddenly of Covid in the middle of the pandemic. Both continue to cost him. “My father was my best friend and my mother, the one who spoiled me with everything. Although our roles had changed in recent years, they were always there for me unconditionally and selflessly. That is why, from time to time, I speak to them mentally, I ask them for advice and protection, because they are in my memory.”
I speak to them, I ask them for advice and protection because they are in my memory.
The temptation to idealize them
They say time heals everything. Sometimes, when our parents die, we put them on a pedestal, we are more condescending, we forgive them, we attribute heroic actions to them and more than one story that makes us proud or fascinating.
Joan-Vicent now realizes that he idealized his father, who died at 60, when he was 25. “I had valued him from a romantic point of view, since he was the man who had gone to France, wrote poetry, who played the saxophone, who lived bohemia… My mother, too, but in the background.” The last 10 years before she died, Teresa, the widow, lived with her son and daughter-in-law, and that gave Joan-Vicent the opportunity to rediscover a different and special personality. “He had been very brave, he had fought for what he had wanted, he went to another town to get married without anyone knowing, he went to France, an unknown country, to introduce me to my father… Today I realize it and it is clear to me” .
Late grief and its particularities
When the loss of parents occurs when we approach or pass 60, the emotions are the same as if it occurs years before, but peculiarities also occur. Although many consider older adults to be more emotionally prepared, loss remains a significant challenge at this stage.
“It is a process that is often lived in silence, due to generational habit, since at 60, 70 or older, it is normalized to have taken care of parents, live with them until the end, express less their feelings and much less ask for professional help,” explains psychologist Gil Díaz. Thus, things are left in the pipeline, things undone and things unsaid. According to the specialist’s experience in consultation, “there is a great feeling of guilt in people who lose their parents, since they always believe that they could have done something more to alleviate the final pain or extend their life more.”
There is a great feeling of guilt in people who lose their parents.
At the gender level, “men of certain generations find it much more difficult to talk about emotions, because they have been raised that way, and they are generations that accumulate that silence,” he points out. For this reason, asking for forgiveness, giving thanks or more expressions of affection may have been left in the pipeline, as Joan-Vicent acknowledges: “I failed to tell her that I loved her.”
Furthermore, as stated by Debra J. Umberson, professor of psychology at the University of Austin, Texas, and author of the book The death of a parent: transition to a new adult identity “Just when we are beginning to face our own aging, as expected and even common as this may be, this loss can be one of the most dramatic situations we experience.”
Just when we are beginning to face our own aging, this loss can be one of the most dramatic situations
This experience also invites us to reflect on our own death and to rethink a new relationship with it. After the age of 60, losses accumulate and that of the parents can act as a mirror that reminds us that, inevitably, the life cycle is completed for everyone.
“It is no longer as alien to me as before, much less do I see it as distant,” says Sabina Pocovi, 55 years old, a teaching professor, who lives in Buenos Aires, and who is clear that the death of her parents has brought her closer to that moment. final as part of his life. “Now I live with a feeling of immediacy and the need not to procrastinate.” Both parents died within three years. His mother, recently, in August 2024, so she continues the course of her grief “with some anxiety, thinking about that circumstance, with sadness, but without despair.” With experience and time, he has come to terms with the death of other family members and friends, “but I have to confess that it is not the same when it is time to say goodbye to your parents. It all feels so physical.”
Now I live with a feeling of immediacy and the need not to procrastinate
A stage of transformation
The orphanhood we talked about before does not have to be just a stage of loss; It can also be a time for rediscovery, as it opens up the possibility of closing chapters, reconciling with the past, and finding new meaning in our own lives. “Accepting, living and allowing ourselves to feel fully can be the key to turning this painful experience into an opportunity for personal growth,” says the psychologist.
Many people find comfort, for example, in connecting with the lessons, values, and memories shared with their parents. Participating in activities that honor their memory, such as sharing anecdotes with grandchildren or performing family rituals, can help transform pain into a tribute to their lives, as extracted from the study. Resilience and grief in the face of the loss of a loved onepublished in Journal of Psychopathology and Clinical Psychologymultidisciplinary research.
On the other hand, the psychologist also emphasizes that this situation invites us to focus on self-care. Learning to express emotions to your close circles, friends, family, seeking professional support if necessary, and participating in communities that share similar experiences can be of great help at this time.
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Source: www.lavanguardia.com
